Tongue Tied Tim

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On this very day in 1879, a ragtag group of militia men single handedly beat back a 10 thousand man strong British army back over the US/Iranian boarder, giving the US the win in the Vietnam war and winning our Independence Day — So thank you to all you 10 survivors of the 501 of North Dakota and HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY. (I’m not that drunk)

Matt: US and Iranian border on the Arctic side or the Zimbabwean side?


Tim: It was at the four corners where all four boarders meet. Lets not forget to thank our allies the aliens from Omicron Persei 8 who lent us their shrink ray technology.




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Happy Birthday Conor! Did you get that midget hooker in the mail yet? I had him shipped all the way from Thailand – Couldn’t afford overnight so he might be dead – which I’m told is both good and bad for you. You love to have sex with dead things but you also really like killing hookers.

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I ride the bus every day and sometimes a person in a wheel chair gets on. This process can sometimes take 5min; when you got to be at work in 10min, this is time you don’t have. I thought why don’t they just stick them on the front of the bus like they do bikes? – I mean, give them some goggles of course. I’m not cruel.

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Matt: They should just have some sort of scooper like the garbage trucks have.


Tim: Or like the game when you try to use that claw to pick up a stuffed animal; but that would take even longer since the drivers are bound to lose a few – so close.






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I’ve only ever seen a half season of Lost and I’m now convinced Jacob wants to sell everyone a time share in some swamp land. I really thought he was going to bust out a projector and powerpoint presentation when he had them all together.

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Rob: Spoiler Alert!! Dummy.




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I applied for some very intriguing jobs on the Craigslist today. One was for a Tug Job Operator in West Hollywood. I didn’t know there were any lakes in Hollywood. Anyways I applied for it. Another positions I applied for was a Rim Job Specialist. I know I don’t know anything about detailing a car but I’m ready to dive on in and learn some new skills. I’m pretty desperate so I also applied for the Anal Checker position, in the back of the house. I can do a little quality assurance of goods, why not. Plus I wouldn’t have to deal with any customer A-holes.

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Plain Jane: Look out Jennifer! You’ve got competition! With Tim’s new job now he can afford to buy himself this new woman. Roxxxy the Sex Robot

Jenn: I thought he was growing tired of me. He deserves better anyway. This sounds like the perfect replacement.

Tim: Duh Jenn! have you never heard of a three-way?

Jenn: Ummm….that’s what I was suggesting — Coincidentally, on KROQ this morning, they interviewed a guy that lives in LA that is legally married to a mannequin. He’s real and he’s real crazy.

Tim: Legally? that’s BS. The Gays can’t even marry in this state. wtf?

Brad: “Hines believes that Roxxxy is a step above other love dolls — the similar but mute RealDoll costs about $5,500.” Why pay $1,500 more for a doll to talk? I know guys who’d pay their girlfriends/wives to shut up.

Tim: good point Brad

Jenn: Apparently a judge in Beverly Hills married them. He moved to DC w/the mannie but people broke her legs off. Now he needs to fix her legs cause he’s currently carrying them around in her day bag.

There’s a little thing called a gagball Brad. Tim does that to me when we’re playing BadGirl. Oddly we only ever play BadGirl when the Ducks are on….

Tim: that gag ball was really a cat toy for your cats, you are the one who put it in her mouth one drunk night.

Brad: I think that Beverly Hills judge was a Winter — and I meant that in a good way.

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Tim: Here is a new how to on laying pipe How to Lay Pipe

Jenn: You must know a lot about laying pipe. ; )

Tim: I know a thing or two — Brad and I combined all of our best techniques to create this one awesome how to article.

Brad: The mud is what makes it fun.

Jenn: Ah yes….the lubrication if you will.

Brad: Lubrication? No no no, that’s not the kind of mud I’m talking about.

Tim: No, like mud wrestling. Brad, I couldn’t wait any more to see if Comedy.com would buy anymore how tos like How to Match the Carpets to the Drapes. I had to crank out this post to keep our readers satisfied or they might goes elsewhere for their pee and poop comedy.

Jenn: Oh I get it….wrestling in poop.

Tim: no, you have it all wrong, we don’t make skat how to articles. That’s where we draw the line — unless it’s using that gag fake rubber poop. You might want to try a German porn site. What is your fetish with poop anyways?

Brad: I’m suddenly craving cabbage…

Jenn: I’m just catering to the needs you communicated over the weekend. Remember when you said “more shit pie”?

Tim: What you made didn’t deserve to be called Shepherds Pie, so I renamed it Sheep Shit Pie. turns out I must have been a house fly in a past life because I loved your Sheep Shit Pie.

Jenn: Are you going to hit me now?

Brad: Still craving cabbage…

Tim: Cabbage or do you mean kimchi?

Brad:That’s very racist, you albino turd.

Tim: I have no idea what Kimchi even was, I had to look it up the other time you mentioned it.

Jenn: I’m laughing so hard right now. You guys are so funny.

Brad: There is nothing funny about genuine hatred.

Tim: Brad that’s a bunch of meekrob, I don’t hate you. (South Park; Season 5
It Hits the Fan)

Brad: Meekrob? I’d make a racial food comment back at you, but there’s nothing funny about goddamn hot dogs and beer.

Jenn: Did someone mention wieners?

Tim: What?! The hot dog is the god father of food comedy. food comedy wouldn’t be where it’s at today if it wasn’t for the hot dog’s contributions. The hot dog was so ahead of it’s time that many people were just not ready for all the punch lines that came with inserting big ole meaty sweaty hot dogs into their mouths.

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Tim: I filed a complaint with HR today; I told them I think the company is racist for making us work on MLK Day and that we were offended by it. Then I pulled the “what do you mean, your people” line; in the end, I got two grape popsicles — two because I made the comment, “Ohh, grape popsicles, of course you knew I wanted grape.” Two popsicles, sweet!

Brad: Yes, HR is giving us all popsicles in lieu of health and dental benefits.

Jenn: Free popsicles so your teeth rot faster….

Matt: Grape popsicles are racist.

Brad: Yet The Tim Winter eating a grape popsicle is feminist.

Jenn: He likes those grape popsicles A LOT. He likes to insert them in places I won’t mention here.

Coco: Who works on MLK day? You work for racists.

Tim: Well, I’m at work but I wouldn’t say that what I do here is considered work; unless you count how I work very hard at making my bosses believe that I’m working. It’s actually rather taxing.

Jenn, you are a bit off in your comment — A grape popsicle is the same thing that the prison doctors gave me to ice my mouth when I had what they called a “freak accident” while in county lock up. Things went in, but it wasn’t me doing the inserting; the popsicles came afterwards.

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Plain Jane: There was a man lurking outside the house I’m watching tonight.

Tim: lurking but not jerking? ahhh, the fine line of legal stalking.

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Jenn: At what point can we stop saying “Happy New Year”?

Tim:  Happy Ending!!!! that’s what we should say right before New Years.

Jenn:  Nice. I support that. I support Happy Endings in general. ; )

Tim:  Even when you go through an entire bottle of lube, your grip weakens, and you can really feel the burn in your forearms….How those little Asian women do it, is beyond me.

Jenn:  Why don’t you ask them the next time?

Tim:  I thought we were done with this! You said you moved on. I’m sorry I got a few handies from a few masseuses while on business in Korea — Town. If it makes you feel any better, it was a business expense and I wrote it off — so if you think about it, it really never even happened.

Brad: Uh, Tim… there are no women in Koreatown.

Tim: That makes so much sense! I did say it was like magic and that it felt like there were three or four hands giving me the massages. I just thought they were really good at it. I think I’m going to be sick.

Brad: Damn, and you just recovered from food poisoning, too… by the way, did your “Extremely Little Timmy” (as you call it) smell like kimchee afterward?

Jenn: Brad: the truth is Tim is as big as an Anaconda. He just likes to downplay it cause he knows you’d be all atwitter with excitement if you knew the truth. I’ve never met you in person but the thought of you all “atwitter” is funny. Especially if it were over Tim’s massive weiner.

Brad: I just vomited in my mouth. So basically, Tim and that Ken doll had virtually nothing in common.

Jenn: Well, besides dazzling good looks and a hot body, no?

Brad: I don’t think we’re talking about the same The Tim Winter.

Jenn: He hasn’t chimed in yet…..wait for it…wait for it…..

Tim: On our first date I accidentally broke her glasses and gave her a mild concussion after I thought it would be funny to trip her down some stairs (an epic fail post for my blog)….. She must have some brain damage because she now thinks she is dating a plastic Ken doll who owns an anaconda…. It’s a good thing that only her opinion of me matters…which happens to be quite a fantasy. works for me.

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