How to Lay Pipe
You come from a long line of plumbers. Your dad was one, as was his father and so on; in fact, being a pipe layer is your family’s oldest profession. While growing up, you can recall watching an endless amount of training videos with your dad while your mom was gone on overnight business trips with her boss. For hours, you’d watch countless plumbers arriving at the homes of lonely housewives, offering to fix their pipes. Your dad called it “continuing education.”
To make your father proud, you vowed to become the most hands-on plumber ever. After studying hard at FU (Funk University), you now believe that no job is too big, too hard, too thick, too sweaty, too muddy, or too rough. – But you remain untested and have little real world experience laying the pipe.
Today, the divorced soccer mom across the street needs help with her rusty pipes. You smile, ‘cause as it turns out, her pipes are in pretty good condition considering their age. You were born for this. This is a job you can do yourself; let us show you how to lay pipe.
1) If you want to lay pipe properly, you will need to do some important prep work before you go sticking any pipes into her yard. This might require you to get on your knees and get your hands a little dirty. (Note: it’s quite alright if her pipes got wet in your prep; this will actually help the pipes to slide together easier.)
2) Pick up a section of pipe and grab it firmly. This might require two hands if the girth of your pipe is on the larger side. With your pipe in hand(s), line up your target and get ready to ease it on in. (Note: If you start to get sweaty and hot, feel free to take off your shirt. Housewives love that sort of stuff.)
3) Lay your pipe in the hole and attach the male end to the female end. If you brought the right pipe, it should be a nice, snug fit. If you are concerned about a watertight seal, you should use some protective plumber’s tape to wrap around the end of your pipe. You don’t want any leaks, ‘cause if you don’t do it right, you might hear of a potential problem growing in her yard in about 9 months. It will likely destroy her yard and cost you a lot of money every month to make it right.
4) Theoretically you could lay pipe all day but you don’t want to leave your client’s yard ravaged so once she is satisfied (or you run out of pipe), your job is done! Clean yourself up, wipe the sweat off your brow and make sure you didn’t leave any of your mess behind. Have your client make you a sandwich, have a smoke, and then take a nap.
If you thought this was mildly amusing, read the post that started it all, How to Pitch a Tent
How to Lay Pipe