Posted July 6th, 2010 by tongue tied tim
Facebook Update
On this very day in 1879, a ragtag group of militia men single handedly beat back a 10 thousand man strong British army back over the US/Iranian boarder, giving the US the win in the Vietnam war and winning our Independence Day — So thank you to all you 10 survivors of the 501 of North Dakota and HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY. (I’m not that drunk)
Matt: US and Iranian border on the Arctic side or the Zimbabwean side?
Tim: It was at the four corners where all four boarders meet. Lets not forget to thank our allies the aliens from Omicron Persei 8 who lent us their shrink ray technology.
Read more funny status updates Dead Hookers and Birthday Wishes
Posted July 6th, 2010 by tongue tied tim
Status Update
Happy Birthday Conor! Did you get that midget hooker in the mail yet? I had him shipped all the way from Thailand – Couldn’t afford overnight so he might be dead – which I’m told is both good and bad for you. You love to have sex with dead things but you also really like killing hookers.
Read more funny status updates
Posted June 30th, 2010 by tongue tied tim
Facebook Update
I ride the bus every day and sometimes a person in a wheel chair gets on. This process can sometimes take 5min; when you got to be at work in 10min, this is time you don’t have. I thought why don’t they just stick them on the front of the bus like they do bikes? – I mean, give them some goggles of course. I’m not cruel.
Facebook Comment
Matt: They should just have some sort of scooper like the garbage trucks have.
Tim: Or like the game when you try to use that claw to pick up a stuffed animal; but that would take even longer since the drivers are bound to lose a few – so close.
Read more funny facebook updates and stupid status updates.
Posted October 21st, 2009 by tongue tied tim
via a Facebook Status Update
Plain Jane: Tim, you better call me ASAP if you want to be my beneficiary on my life insurance policy.
tongue tied tim: Is this just another one of your scam to get my SS# and other personal info? Anyway, I left my phone at home so send me an email.
Plain Jane: Too late, fortunately for you, mom had all your info so she gave it to me. Don’t try and kill me though… I only have a 25k policy. Well, actually, if there is an accidental death and/or dismemberment, you get an additional 50K. For your sake, lets hope that’s they way I go out. All the money goes to you, Timmy. You can decide to share or not to share with the others… it all falls on your shoulders.
tongue tied tim: Wow, that’s great; that’s very nice of you. How can we speed up this process so I can get paid – Come on, I’ll split it with you.
more funny facebook updates funny facebook updates: plus the tea set
