I’ve done a lot of stupid and idiotic things throughout my lifetime and I have the battle scars to prove it. In my defense, some of the scar are due to having a bit of bad luck or simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Then again, I do have a few scars that could have been entirely avoided if it wasn’t for a few too many adult beverages, shots of Jager and Pabst Blue Ribbon. I know Drunk and stupid is no way to go through life; it kind of hurts.
Just to make it clear, I’m not a future Darwin Award recipient or anything; I’ve learned from my stupidity and really, none of my injuries have been all that life threatening. So feel free to laugh guilt free at my expense. It’s all still fun and games since I haven’t poked my eye out yet.
My Medical Record
Injury/cause/age
RED text denotes an injury involving alcohol
1) Concussion/ I fell off the back of a picnic table and hit my head on the concrete patio/ 7.
2) 20 stitches/ I was wrestling in the living room with my brothers and hit the corner of the brick fireplace/ 7.
3) 10 stitches/ I was jumping on the couch when one of my brothers pushed me off and I hit corner of the brick fireplace/ 8.
4) 13 stitches/ I was wrestling in the living room with my brothers and hit the corner of the brick fireplace. This is not a repeat, this really happened twice and three times has that damn fireplace been the cause for getting stitches. I guess I was a slow learner/ 9.
5) Lost tooth/ During Memorial Day weekend at Lake Havasu I jumped off a house boat with a rope in my mouth in an attempt to tie up to another boat. the rope was a few feet too short for the dive I took. It ripped out of my mouth along with a tooth. Don’t ask me why I put a rope in my mouth, I had been drinking all day – I was drunk and stupid/ 26.
6) Chipped tooth/ My brother punched me in the mouth after I threw a piece of paper at him – yes a piece of paper. see blood is thicker than water for the full story and yes we were drunk and stupid/ 30.
7) Cracked vertebrae/ I was hanging out on the roof when some idiot told me to jump off – I told him to go fuck himself which made him mad – He talked shit and I talked back – For some reason I accepted his invitation to fight and we somehow met in the living room of the party we were at – Three of them against one of me and an empty bottle of Jack Daniels – I threw that at one of them while one of them rushed up and punched me – I grabbed his shirt collar to square him up for a punch when I tripped backwards over something – I hit my C1 vertebrae on the edge of a coffee table – The fight got broken up and we went on with our nights – The next day when I sobered up I felt the pain and it still hurts even to this day/ 24.
8 ) Chipped tooth/ I was playing basketball when I got elbowed in the mouth/ 23.
9) 8 stitches/ On the playground was where I spent most of my recess runnin’ out slidin’ swingin’ all cool, climbing on the jungle gym when a couple of guys who were up to no good and started making trouble in my sandbox. I got pushed down on the blacktop and my mom got scared/ 6.
10) Cracked Ribs/ I decided that I could walk along the top of a wrought iron fence that surrounded the pool at my parents house. I had done it a million times but sooner or later I was bound to fall – it just happened that my ribs landed on the top of the fence/ 12.
11) 5 stitches/ I was climbing a garden fence when I slipped and cut my thumb on a piece of metal/ 8.
12) Torn tendons/ While walking from one party to another, I found the one hole in the grass median we were walking on. I caught my foot (see # 20) and fell down. As I attempted to catch myself, I extended my hand out which resulted in all my fingers being bent backwards. It hurt for about 4 months. I wasn’t all that drunk/ 28.
13) Cracked tail bone/ We made a zip line from one tree to another and the plastic bucket we rigged as a seat broke while I was going for a ride. I landed right on my ass and was walking funny for weeks/ 13.
14) Deep cut/ I probably should have gotten stitches for this one but didn’t and I still have the scar. At work while bussing tables I grabbed for some coffee mugs when one of them fell – out of reaction, I went to catch it but was about a second to late and instead caught it on the bounce back up after it shattered. The force of my hand going downwards continued down to the floor which created a deep gash down to the bone on my thumb as a jagged shard dug through my thumb. This one hurt the worst/ 17.
15) Broken finger, 13 stitches and nerve damage/ I was at a party when some drunk idiot kicked shut the door I was trying to open. It was a metal door and the kick was pretty forceful. My index finger got caught in the door and it was nearly severed – There was blood everywhere and I almost passed out because the pain was so bad – The guy felt really bad so I forgave him – My buddies wrapped it up and we went to the ER. Apparently my brother stayed behind, broke a beer bottle on the fireplace in the living room and was threatening to stab the guy with it – I think we all a little too drunk and stupid that night and I have the the jacked up finger to prove it. The finger cast of sorts that I had to wear for a over a month got me a lot of attention from the ladies but it sure was difficult to write every essay during my final exams. (see the real and rather graphic pics finger v. door – thumbs up)/ 24.
16) tendonitis/ My brother threw a hairbrush at me knee and it hit my knee. I’d have rather been hit in the face with it because I wouldn’t have had to sit out injuried for most of the track season during my senior year in high school/ 18.
17) Shin splints/ I was running cross county in college/ 20.
18) Stress fracture/ I was running track in college/ 21.
19) Twisted ankle/ I was drunk and stupid at a party when I twisted my ankle walking out the front door. The front door had no first step – Instead of the first step being level or a step out, it was a step down. When I expected to hit a step, I fell down a half a foot and rolled my ankle. Not funny – to add insult to injury, I also dropped my last beer/ 20.
20) Torn tendons/ When I tried to catch myself from falling, my foot got twisted in the hole that I had stepped in. It hurt really bad; which at the time, only let me know that I wasn’t nearly drunk enough yet. I hobbled around to a few parties and tried to drink the pain away. It too hurt for the next four months/ 28.
21) Broken foot/ While working a banquet I dropped a rack of glasses on the top of my foot. I didn’t think it was broken so I never filled out an accident report – it was broken though and it took nearly a year before it felt better. It still hurts from time to time when it’s cold out/ 26.
22) It’s only a matter of time….
