Tongue Tied Tim

I have a friend who is the epitome of a modern-day June Cleaver. She is one of my many stay-at-home-mom friends. June and her husband, “the cop”, have three small children and have been married since we were fresh out of High School. June often invites me over for dinner with her family (and since she is such a great cook, I usually make the 45 minute drive to her house). This summer I went to the Cleavers for a casual dinner party. I thought it was just going to be the Cleavers, myself and another couple, but the cop ended up inviting a few of his buddies from the force too. Turns out June was setting me up with Jimmy, a very young and immature single dad who we later find out dates 18 year old girls, but I had no idea until I realized we were the only singles there. The way I remember this party going was me talking about my political beliefs-as this was just at the climax of the Obama/McCain election-with a crowd that is clearly on the conservative side and then feeling like an asshole for even getting into this losing battle. Oh, and did I mention 2 of the 4 guys there were former military men? Jimmy at one point even said to me, I’m not trying to say anyone here is a liberal, but… this was all in a very derogatory and accusatory tone as if I were a baby killer or something. Needless to say, I didn’t think I made a great impression. But apparently that didn’t matter because later that night Jimmy asked June if I was “crazy” or not because he wanted to get my number. So I guess conflicting views and a personality doesn’t matter in a woman to this guy.

Now fast-forward to September or so when I get a call from June asking me if she can give Jimmy my phone number. Apparently his romance with the 18 year old didn’t work out so well (I can’t imagine why?) and I was some girl placed on the back burner for when he had nothing else to do. I tell June to go ahead and give it to him because I’d really like to go to the cop shooting range and learn how to fire a pistol (and I almost never say no to a free dinner). Jimmy ends up TEXTING me WEEKS later. After a few texts back and forth he writes, well, call me sometime if you want to go out. Umm, no! Really, when did that become OK? It’s not cool to 1. Text messages a girl instead of calling and 2. Tell me to call him if I want to go out. Please buddy, I was just being polite when I agreed to give you my number. A guy needs to pick up the fucking phone with a place, time, and a plan in mind if he wants to take me out. Just for the record, I never called Jimmy for our date.

This brings us up to this week. I guess the other “single” guy at the dinner party (he showed up with a date) has been thinking about me since and wants to take me out too. He went to the cops birthday dinner a few weeks ago and asked June if he could have my number. OK, seriously, what the hell are these guys thinking? Once again I agreed to give him my number- I mean, I never got my chance at the shooting range. So, Leonard, being the older more mature man that he is, called me and asked me to dinner for tonight. My best friend, Rhea (also part of the stay-at-home-moms club), met Leonard at the cops birthday and swears to me this guy is not my type. Based on our phone conversation (one in which I essentially talked to myself for an hour) I think she may be right…and it doesn’t help that I have no recollection of what he looks like-which is never a good sign. I guess we’ll see how things go tonight…

Plain Jane

First, there are few things you should know- I am not a writer and I am not trying to become one. I am not  hoping some famous author or publishing house reads my work and signs me for some three-book-deal  where I fly all across the country reading excerpts from my incredibly witty and sexy books to perfect strangers  in small coffee houses on my book signing tour. No, that’s not my deal. I am not going to write grammatically  correct sentences (unless you want to edit for me) either. I cannot even guarantee everything will be spelled  correctly. I mean, I will probably make up words on occasion. You should expect to read a lot of dirty  language as I feel I cannot adequately express myself without using the word fuck.  So, with that being said,  I’ll get on with it…


I am nearly 28 years old and living in the dreary Pacific Northwest. Two months ago I moved out of my parents house where I had been cohabitating with them for the last two years. Before living with my folks, I was down in San Diego for a few years. If you’ve ever been to San Diego then you’ll know how much fun and craziness goes on down there. A bad break-up and a serious lack of money drove me back north to my childhood home. Since then I have been single, and as of recently so are a few of my friends (yay for me finally!).  Though, I once read that this city is one of the worst places to be single so I don’t know how great it is to add more girls to my dating pool.


Anyway, so what is this about? What should my readers expect? I don’t really know. Mostly I will write about ridiculous dates I’ve been on (and will be going on), my part-time house-sitting job, stupid people and anything that evokes an emotional response in me really. Whatever I feel like, I guess… but the main thing is that it will be funny (even if it’s just to me).



Editor’s Note: Contrary to her pen name, we want to emphasis that there is nothing plain about Jane; she is a very funny and hilarious girl. We think you will get a good laugh out of her funny and entertaining posts. We offer a money back guarantee, so If you don’t laugh out loud at least once, we will send you your money back.