Tongue Tied Tim

How to Crop Dust

Living on a farm ain’t easy – And during these economic times, living on a farm definitely ain’t easy. Like any good neighbor during times of uncertainty, it’s thoughtful to share what resources you have with the neighbors that have not. Some of you neighbors might be too proud to ask for help or you just might not want to be seen as a softy if you offer to help; so when you decide you are going to crop dust your neighbor’s field, you have to do it when they aren’t looking and least expect it.

You just ate your early morning breakfast burrito and your plane is all gassed up and ready to go. You’re so antsy to get your butt in the air to crop dust that you can hardly contain yourself! Of course, you don’t want to wake your neighbors, so you must be stealthy on this adventure, which you playfully codename, “Silent but Deadly.”

1) As you spot your mark, fly low just under the radar. Line up your approach and open your release-hatch slowly; careful not to spread your flaps too wide or you risk being detected. (Release early to compensate for your speed and wind direction.)

2) Continue to crop dust as long as you can; get it all out because you will only get one pass at it. Give It time, it will spread and eventually engulf they area.

3) Once you finish, keep your cool and begin to pull up. Gain some altitude and get yourself lost in the crowd of clouds. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

NOTE:
Your neighbors will unquestionably be grateful for your willingness to share, and even if they don’t ask for more, you should consistently pull this one off without anyone noticing you did it. Remember, it’s always a successful mission if someone else gets credited (or blamed) for your actions.


       how to lay pipe                              how to get through a period
       Read more How to articles            Or more bad advice

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How to Lay Pipe


You come from a long line of plumbers. Your dad was one, as was his father and so on; in fact, being a pipe layer is your family’s oldest profession. While growing up, you can recall watching an endless amount of training videos with your dad while your mom was gone on overnight business trips with her boss. For hours, you’d watch countless plumbers arriving at the homes of lonely housewives, offering to fix their pipes. Your dad called it “continuing education.”


To make your father proud, you vowed to become the most hands-on plumber ever. After studying hard at FU (Funk University), you now believe that no job is too big, too hard, too thick, too sweaty, too muddy, or too rough. – But you remain untested and have little real world experience laying the pipe.


Today, the divorced soccer mom across the street needs help with her rusty pipes. You smile, ‘cause as it turns out, her pipes are in pretty good condition considering their age. You were born for this. This is a job you can do yourself; let us show you how to lay pipe.




1) If you want to lay pipe properly, you will need to do some important prep work before you go sticking any pipes into her yard. This might require you to get on your knees and get your hands a little dirty. (Note: it’s quite alright if her pipes got wet in your prep; this will actually help the pipes to slide together easier.)


2) Pick up a section of pipe and grab it firmly. This might require two hands if the girth of your pipe is on the larger side. With your pipe in hand(s), line up your target and get ready to ease it on in. (Note: If you start to get sweaty and hot, feel free to take off your shirt. Housewives love that sort of stuff.)


3) Lay your pipe in the hole and attach the male end to the female end. If you brought the right pipe, it should be a nice, snug fit. If you are concerned about a watertight seal, you should use some protective plumber’s tape to wrap around the end of your pipe. You don’t want any leaks, ‘cause if you don’t do it right, you might hear of a potential problem growing in her yard in about 9 months. It will likely destroy her yard and cost you a lot of money every month to make it right.


4) Theoretically you could lay pipe all day but you don’t want to leave your client’s yard ravaged so once she is satisfied (or you run out of pipe), your job is done! Clean yourself up, wipe the sweat off your brow and make sure you didn’t leave any of your mess behind. Have your client make you a sandwich, have a smoke, and then take a nap.




If you thought this was mildly amusing, read the post that started it all, How to Pitch a Tent

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Tongue Tied Tim: A new How-to I’m thinking about doing: “how to adjust a slipping tranny” (read a how-to: how to get through your first period, how to drop the kids off at the pool)

Brad: Huh? What’s there to “adjust”? I’d just let them fall.

Tim: As in how do you hide the frank and beans and stop from slipping out? Is there a type of joke strap or something, if so, how much does it cost?

Tim: Joke = Jock — I think I’ll invent the joke strap.

Jenn: Isn’t that what a cock ring is for? Wait….that doesn’t seem right…

Tim: Joke with your new coworkers and make them think you are a woman — after you suck him off — release the strap — everyone will get a huge laugh out if it — “Ohh, snap! She is a He — ahhh funny you got me. you got me good! lol”

Brad: Or a LITTLE laugh, depending on the person.

Tim: Jenn the cock ring was all I could afford — think of it as a sort of promise ring.

Brad: Jenn has a cock?! Maybe one of you needs the jokestrap.

Tim: Jokestrap. all rights reserved.

Brad: Get the ShamWow guy to sell it after he’s done battering another woman.

Jenn: No cock here. I’m all crack. Hmmm…that doesn’t sound right either.

Brad: Tim like crack

Tim: Jenn is from Canada where the government will pay for you to get your cock and balls whacked off.

Brad: Ooooh, so that’s how she lost hers!

Tim: Proper whacked off that is.

read more status updates: funny facebook updates: marriage proposal, funny facebook updates: coworkers

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The Pregame Mental Speech (PMS)

Everyone has been calling you little girls for years — but enough is enough — today you become women. So ladies — hike up your skirts and strap on your pads; it’s time to get ready for a bloody fight! —-Remember to stay hydrated; we don’t need any cramping up out there.

Start of First Period

Min 2: Goal Japan; backhand by Menstruate; assist by Uterine-Lining


Min 6: Goal Japan; by Flow, through the five hole (between the legs).










You find yourself in a losing battle against a far superior team. This has caught you off guard and what was thought to be a friendly match is turning messy. Your only shot to slow the bleeding is to send in your enforcer to take out their top scorer.





1) Throw down your gloves and stick.




















2) Pull your opponents jersey over their head and punch away.




















3) Go to the penalty box and clean yourself up.

End of Period

Team Japan: 5 — Regina Red Wings: 0


There is no hiding how bad you look – forfeit the match, go home and hide in shame – but get ready, because in 30 days you have your next bloody battle.

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How to Drop the Kids off at the Pool

posted on Comedy.com who helps pay my bills.

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This is only bad advice if one of your guy friends calls you out on it; otherwise it’s pretty damn awesome in a sort of funny lame way.

I Just realized that for the last 9 months, I have essentially been carrying around a purse. I came to that conclusion today when I had the thought about how nice it is to be able to carry around random things in my lunch bag. What’s in there right now: pens, gum, post it notes, candy, phone, keys, aspirin, usb drive, eye drops, napkins mints and food. OMG, WTF where is my MAC makeup kit and all my tampons.

Yeah it’s pretty funny, go ahead an laugh at me and my silly man purse.

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Here is the second installment in my series of inappropriate how-to articles. the title bellow explains it all. More bad advice coming soon.

Click here to learn How to match the carpet to the drapes

posted on comedy.com


another funny how to article how to pitch a tent

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As a Keyword Researcher I come across my fair share of bizarre keywords on a daily basis; some of them even have the potential for a double entendre. If it wasn’t for these humorous and funny keywords, I’d probably be found crying in the last stall of the women’s bathroom much more frequently. None of these keywords ever become articles so I’ve decided to do a series of articles own my own free time.

how to match the carpets to the drapes

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