Tongue Tied Tim

funny status update: wedding bathroom attendant

tongue tied tim — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 15:03:20 +0000

Funny Status Update

Tim:

Back from Pete’s wedding. It was nice of him to ask me to be in it. After years of fighting, I thought it was good we could finally squash the days of our youth…However, when I got there he took me into the bathroom and said this is where you will be working tonight… He made me the bathroom attendant and told me not to come out until the wedding was over. — The problem with that was I never got any guidance or training on being a bathroom attendant. The only time I ever encountered one was when I went to a gay bar… so I did what they did… Apparently it is not standard practice to hold IT for them…I’m starting to think that guy wasn’t really an attendant…and I tipped him too!!

More Funny Status Updates

What the 4th of July?

tongue tied tim — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 01:51:50 +0000

Facebook Update

On this very day in 1879, a ragtag group of militia men single handedly beat back a 10 thousand man strong British army back over the US/Iranian boarder, giving the US the win in the Vietnam war and winning our Independence Day — So thank you to all you 10 survivors of the 501 of North Dakota and HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY. (I’m not that drunk)

Matt: US and Iranian border on the Arctic side or the Zimbabwean side?

Tim: It was at the four corners where all four boarders meet. Lets not forget to thank our allies the aliens from Omicron Persei 8 who lent us their shrink ray technology.

Read more funny status updates Dead Hookers and Birthday Wishes

Dead Hookers and Birthday Wishes

tongue tied tim — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 01:42:08 +0000

Status Update

Happy Birthday Conor! Did you get that midget hooker in the mail yet? I had him shipped all the way from Thailand – Couldn’t afford overnight so he might be dead – which I’m told is both good and bad for you. You love to have sex with dead things but you also really like killing hookers.

Funny Facebook Updates: Wheelchair Hood Ornaments

tongue tied tim — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 04:23:12 +0000

Facebook Update

I ride the bus every day and sometimes a person in a wheel chair gets on. This process can sometimes take 5min; when you got to be at work in 10min, this is time you don’t have. I thought why don’t they just stick them on the front of the bus like they do bikes? – I mean, give them some goggles of course. I’m not cruel.

Facebook Comment

Matt: They should just have some sort of scooper like the garbage trucks have.

Tim: Or like the game when you try to use that claw to pick up a stuffed animal; but that would take even longer since the drivers are bound to lose a few – so close.

Read more funny facebook updates and stupid status updates.

More Stupid Euphemism Comebacks

tongue tied tim — Fri, 28 May 2010 12:33:30 +0000

Euphemisms and double-speak about being dumb, stupid and useless; with lame and cheesy comebacks. Kids don’t try these at home.

Read more: Over 200 Euphemisms for Stupid

Over 200 Euphemism for Stupid and Useless

tongue tied tim — Fri, 28 May 2010 11:48:30 +0000

Euphemism for Stupid

A beer short of a six pack
A brick short of a load
A burger short of a combo meal
A couple of eggs shy of a dozen
A couple of gallons short of a full tank
A cup and a saucer short of a place setting
A few ants short of a picnic
A few bales short of a wagon load
A few beers short of a six-pack
A few bits short of a byte
A few boats short of a fleet
A few boxes short of a pallet
A few Bradys short of a bunch
A few bricks short of a full load
A few bricks short of a pile
A few bricks short of a wall
A few bristles short of a broom
A few burgers short of a barbecue
A few cards short of a deck
A few clowns short of a circus
A few colors short of a rainbow
A few cracker jacks short of a full box
A few feathers short of a whole duck
A few fries short of a Happy Meal
A few fruit loops shy of a full bowl
A few fuses short of a full circuit
A few grams short of a pound

A few gunmen short of a posse
A few keys short of a keyboard
A few marshmallows short of a bowl of Lucky Charms
A few needles short of a sewing kit
A few noodles short of a chow mein
A few of sheep short of an orgy
A few peas short of a casserole
A few pecans short of a fruitcake
A few players short of a team
A few roos loose in the top paddock
A few sandwiches short of a picnic
A few screws short of a hardware store
A few shades beyond blonde
A few sheep short of a flock
A few snags short of a barbie
A few springs short of a watch
A few tacos short of a fiesta platter
A few threads short of a sweater
A few tomatoes short of a good thick sauce
A few toppings short of a Deluxe Pizza
A few trucks short of a convoy
A few watts short of a light bulb
A fortune cookie short of a Chinese dinner
A pepperoni short of a pizza
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on
A poster child for birth control
A sandwich short of a picnic
A shining example of why you should avoid inbreeding
A tire short of an eighteen wheeler
A train short of a full service?
About as bright as a burnt out 20 watt light bulb
About as sharp as a bowling ball
About as sharp as a marble

About as useful as a chocolate fireguard
All booster, no payload
All foam no beer
All telephone, no receiver
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
Another brain would be lonely
Antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels
Any slower and he’d need to be watered once a week
As bright as a lamp in Aladdin’s cave
As fruity as a bag of Skittles™
As much use as a hedgehog in a condom factory
As much use as a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest
As much use as an ashtray on a motorcycle
As quick as a tortoise on Prozac
As sharp as a pound of wet liver
As smart as a stick
As smart as bait
As some lug nuts rattling in the hubcaps
As useful as a screen door on a submarine
As useful as a wooden frying pan
As useful as tits on a bull
Batteries not included
Battery is not fully charged
Big like ox, smart like tractor
Boat doesn’t have all the oars in the water
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
Body by God, Mind by Mattel

Bright as Alaska in December
Cheese slid off the cracker
Chimney’s clogged
Couldn’t find their way out of a paper bag
Couldn’t hit the floor if he fell on it
Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash
Doesn’t have all the chairs at the table
Doesn’t have all the dots on his dice
Doesn’t know much but leads the league in nostril hair
Doesn’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt
Doesn’t have both oars in the water
Donated his brain to science before he was done with it
Driveway doesn’t quite reach the road
Dumb as a corn cob
Dumb as a donkey
Dumb as a salt shaker
Dumb as a stump
Dumber than a bag of hammers
Dumber than a bag of rocks
Dumber than a box of hair
Dumber than paint
Dump as a stump
Eats soup with a fork
Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor
Elevator doesn’t quite make the top floor
Elevator goes to the top but the doors don’t open
Elevator is stuck between floors
Engine is running but nobody is behind the wheel

Fell out of the family tree
Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
Forgot to pay his brain bill
Gates are down and the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming
Goes surfing in Nebraska
Golf bag doesn’t have a full set of irons
Has a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together
Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t watching
Half a bubble off plumb
Has a leak in the skylight
Has an IQ lower than plant life
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
Has an IQ of room temperature
Has the parachute but is missing the ripcord
Has to take turns for the family brain-cell
Has two brains, one’s lost and the other is out looking for it
Hasn’t seen the ball since kickoff
Having an intelligence rivaled only by garden tools
He had a little too much chlorine in his gene pool
He is so dumb, he would look for a wishbone in a soft-boiled egg
He is so dumb, the only thing he ever read was an eye-chart
He played too much without a helmet
He’s got a leak in his think-tank
He’s got a mind like a steel sieve
He’s got his feet firmly planted 3 feet above the ground
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer
He’s so dense light bends around him
He’s got a leak in his think-tank
He’s got a mind like a steel sieve
He’s got a mind like a steel trap, rusted shut
He’s got his feet firmly planted 3 feet above the ground
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer
He’s so dense light bends around him
He’s so dumb he couldn’t pour the water out of a boot if the instructions
Her sewing machine’s out of thread
His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels
His belt doesn’t go through all the loops
His cheese has slipped off his cracker
His porch light ain’t on
If brains were chocolate – he wouldn’t have enough to fill an M&M
If brains were dynamite – he wouldn’t have enough to blow his nose
If brains were dynamite, he wouldn’t have enough to blow his hat off
If brains were gasoline, he couldn’t ride a moped around a fruit loop
If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate
If he had a brain, he’d be dangerous
If he had another brain, it would be lonely
If stupid were a talent, he would be considered gifted
If their nose was on upside down they’d drown in the rain
If you gave them a penny for thoughts, you’d get change
If you stand close enough to them you can hear the sea
Isn’t firing on all 6 cylinders
Isn’t firing on all thrusters
Its hard to believe that he beat out half a billion other sperm
Kangaroo loose in the top paddock.
Knitting with only one needle
Like a pair of children’s scissors, bright and colorful, but not too sharp
logs are ablaze but the chimney is clogged
Lost contact with the mothership
Million dollar body and a 2 dollar engine
Mind is in neutral, body is in gear
Mind like a rubber bear trap
Missing a few buttons on his remote control
More numb than a frozen mukluk
Most people drink from the fountain of knowledge, they only gargled
Needing a few screws tightened
Nice house, not much furniture

No grain in the silo
Not all the soldiers are marching in line
Not exactly running on all thrusters
Not firing with all spark plugs
Not the brightest bulb in the box
Not the brightest bulb in the Chandalier
Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree
Not the brightest crayon in the box
Not the brightest light in the harbor
Not the brightest light on the Christmas tree
Not the fastest ship in the fleet
Not the quickest bunny in the forest
Not the quickest horse in the stable
Not the sharpest hook in the tackle box
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
Not the sharpest pencil in the box
Off his rocker
On/off switch is stuck in the off position
One board member short of a quorum
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl
One IQ point above brain death
One neuron short of a synapse
One ski short of a snowmobile
One taco short of a combination plate
One tit short of an udder
One turbine short of an airplane
One twist short of a slinky
One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests
Only has half a cord in the woodshed
Only has one oar in the water
Playing hockey with a warped puck
Prime candidate for natural deselection
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
Receiver is off the hook
Relative IQ of a deck chair
Requires directions to lay sod
Result of too much chlorine in the gene pool
Running about a quart low
Running on 3 cylinders
Running on empty
Sets the lowest possible goals, and consistently fails to achieve them
Several nuts short of a full pouch
Sharp as a bowling ball
Sharp as a sack of wet mice
She’s not tied too tight to the pier
Shipped but not delivered
Skylight leaks a little
Slinky’s kinked
Smart as a bag of rocks
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled
Strong like bear, smart like tractor
Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes
Ten cents short of a dollar
The hard drive is spinning but the OS hasn’t been installed
They are depriving some village of its idiot
They have an IQ lower than their shoe size
Three ice bricks shy of an igloo
Too dumb to pull his head in before he shuts the window
Too much yardage between the goal posts
Two hub caps short of a Buick
Umbrella is up but there’s no rain
Warning–Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
Was hiding behind the door when they passed out brains
Was left on the tilt-a-whirl too long as a baby
Wheel is spinning but the hamster fell off
Wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead
Wind is blowing but nothing is moving
Would argue with a signpost
Would be out of her depth in a mud puddle
Would lose a debate with a doorknob.
Wouldn’t know if they were on foot or horseback
You can’t call him an idiot, you’ll insult all the idiots in the world
You’re the flower of my life (you blooming idiot)

More stupid euphemism comebacks

Yo Momma jokes and Fails

tongue tied tim — Tue, 25 May 2010 22:38:21 +0000

Via: Funny Facebook Updates

Tim: Yo momma so fat she is too big to fail in the fast food industry.

Matt: Yo momma so fat she walked out in front of my car and when I swerved to go around her, I ran out of gas.

Dan: Ooh, Ooh.. I wanna play. Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter, and a vein burst in George Washingtons forehead.

Tim: Yo momma fails
- Yo Momma so fat she is in serious risk of congestive heart failure, type two diabetes, stroke and osteoarthritis. She so fat she could die.
- Yo Momma so stupid she never learned how to read, write or do simple arithmetic; she was too busy being forced into child prostitution.
- Yo Momma so retarded that after the head on collision, doctors said she doesn’t have a functioning brain.

status update: Lost, you Lost me.

tongue tied tim — Wed, 19 May 2010 22:02:23 +0000

Facebook Status Update

I’ve only ever seen a half season of Lost and I’m now convinced Jacob wants to sell everyone a time share in some swamp land. I really thought he was going to bust out a projector and powerpoint presentation when he had them all together.

Facebook Comments:
Rob: Spoiler Alert!! Dummy.

Read more Funny Facebook Status Updates: Sloppy Joe, Strip Club on Christmas.

Status update: job search

tongue tied tim — Tue, 11 May 2010 07:58:27 +0000

Facebook Status Update

I applied for some very intriguing jobs on the Craigslist today. One was for a Tug Job Operator in West Hollywood. I didn’t know there were any lakes in Hollywood. Anyways I applied for it. Another positions I applied for was a Rim Job Specialist. I know I don’t know anything about detailing a car but I’m ready to dive on in and learn some new skills. I’m pretty desperate so I also applied for the Anal Checker position, in the back of the house. I can do a little quality assurance of goods, why not. Plus I wouldn’t have to deal with any customer A-holes.

Read more funny facebook updates: TMI and TIM, Laundry and Boners

Funny Facebook Updates: Kitten Photos

tongue tied tim — Thu, 06 May 2010 00:15:26 +0000

Jen: More photos coming soon. It’s hard to catch them on film.

tongue tied tim: I’ll do it. I used to take portraits of children at Olan Mills. That was until I was arrested after their employees called the police on me.

Brad: I made the phone call, actually. What’s with you and all these cats tim? M.O. lester?

Jen: Those are my pussies he’s been playing with…..

Brad: At least he has a hobby during unemployment.

tongue tied tim: yeah I use the kittens to lure little kids into my van. where I then force them to make wallets and blankets that I sell to china who then sells them to America. A four week old kitten will win over a child in less than ten minutes, heart and all. Always be weary of anyone who owns a kitten farm.