Tongue Tied Tim

Tim

My coworker is getting all excited about the next World of Warcraft game, which got me thinking about how nerdy some people are thought of for playing WOW; mainly by girls. Since he’s also single, I’m thinking about creating a website called “Girls Gone Warcraft”. I know there are some single girls out there that like online role playing games that I can hook him up with….I think “Girls Gone Wow” sounds good too.

Madi

LOVE that game. I’m excited for the next expansion pack. This one was lame. (mist of pandaria release date)

Andrew

Hello fair maiden.. I am the Orc that you have been looking for.

Tim

and that’s my coworker Andrew….lol…see what I mean, he needs a girl that is into live action roll playing games and probably a bit of cosplay. lol Google it if you don’t know what it is.

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Status Update

Tim:

I just hit a softball size piece of concrete laying in the road. flipped over the front of my bike and took out someone’s side view mirror. Thank god my laptop is okay!!!! Me on the other hand, not so lucky. My hand hurts pretty bad. Not broken hurt but tingly sprained type of hurt. cracked rib? probably just a muscle bruise. I’ll hold out going to the doctor until Obamacare kicks in in a few years.  (See a related status update)

Matt:

Hopefully it wasn’t your masturbating hand.

Tim:

Ha ha. This is why I bought my gf the shake weight for Christmas!! It’s times like this!.

Brad:

[BUZZER]

Tim:

I really did get her a shake weight. She thought it was funny but later said she didn’t want more junk laying around her appartment. So, it’s sitting here at my apartment

Brad:

No comment, you dirty bastard.

Jennifer:

I suggested he give that stupid shake weight to his sister but he “claims” it was too heavy for his suitcase. I think rigaberto is using it.

Tim:

ha ha Jenn, it’s actually still in the box. I lost the receipt and don’t really want to go return it. I’ll bring it my gym and leave it in the dumbbell rack.

Plain Jane:

Thanks for trying to push it off on me, Jennifer! Seems a bit strange to accept that kind of gift from my brother. But if it so happen to be gifted to my roommate I’m not saying I wouldn’t test it out.

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Status Update

Tim:

Now that the swelling and bruising from my bike accident have relatively subsided, I’m pretty sure I have a cracked rib or sternum. I imagine it’s a hairline fracture because it hurts to breath deep and when I move in certain ways, it aches. Well, I guess the good news is that there ain’t much a doctor can do to fix that so no point going back to the ER .

Tim:

and thanks to my leftover Oxycodone with Acetaminophen and Percocet pills I feel like great. I think everyone should take these pills! I highly recommend everyone abuse these pills.

Effer Isms:

there’s a class action lawsuit connected with percocets… eat em now so you can get in on that. :side effects may include heart explosion and death:

Tim:

sshhh! don’t say that, then everyone is going to want those side effects. I do love a good explosion.

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Note to self and others: When you have a big boys job, don’t ride your bike to work in the rain. Even if you are an Oregonian living in Los Angeles and say, “this isn’t rain, you call this rain?” – you will still get soaked on a 4.6 mile bike ride. Boss joked and said, “are you ready for that client meeting?” I told him that I can make my pants all one color by splashing water on the dry parts. – today I ride the bus.

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Why does canceling my phone service feel like a breakup? I feel i should have done this in person and not over the phone they gave me when we first met. I’ve been with t-mobile for close to ten years but chose to go to Verizon. What I told the customer service rep, “it’s not you, it’s me.” I finally got to use the line I’ve heard myself plenty of times.

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I was suppose to see a movie about a killer tire but someone forgot to leave the tickets – ended up at hooters. Waitress asked me to buy a calendar and I told her I had a Google calendar on my phone. She said, but it doesn’t have hot chicks…I told her I had Internet access to plenty of porn.

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If a woodchuck could fart in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound and what about the smell – does it smell? These are the things that keep me up at night. I heard counting sheep makes it harder to fall asleep so I switched to woodchucks chucking chucking wood and thought it was funny if they farted every time they tried to throw a giant piece of wood…my imagination rules!

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Funny Status Update

Tim:

Back from Pete’s wedding. It was nice of him to ask me to be in it. After years of fighting, I thought it was good we could finally squash the days of our youth…However, when I got there he took me into the bathroom and said this is where you will be working tonight… He made me the bathroom attendant and told me not to come out until the wedding was over. — The problem with that was I never got any guidance or training on being a bathroom attendant. The only time I ever encountered one was when I went to a gay bar… so I did what they did… Apparently it is not standard practice to hold IT for them…I’m starting to think that guy wasn’t really an attendant…and I tipped him too!!

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Facebook Update

On this very day in 1879, a ragtag group of militia men single handedly beat back a 10 thousand man strong British army back over the US/Iranian boarder, giving the US the win in the Vietnam war and winning our Independence Day — So thank you to all you 10 survivors of the 501 of North Dakota and HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY. (I’m not that drunk)

Matt: US and Iranian border on the Arctic side or the Zimbabwean side?


Tim: It was at the four corners where all four boarders meet. Lets not forget to thank our allies the aliens from Omicron Persei 8 who lent us their shrink ray technology.




Read more funny status updates Dead Hookers and Birthday Wishes

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Status Update

Happy Birthday Conor! Did you get that midget hooker in the mail yet? I had him shipped all the way from Thailand – Couldn’t afford overnight so he might be dead – which I’m told is both good and bad for you. You love to have sex with dead things but you also really like killing hookers.

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