Tongue Tied Tim» funny pages

Being a Tim Winter

tongue tied tim — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 07:41:04 +0000

Conjoined Fruit! That’s just Bananas

tongue tied tim — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 04:19:09 +0000

Look what we brought home from the store the other day; conjoined twins! Two bananas one peel. I might have to have a few drinks before i get up the courage to take on this bunch of bananas. One would think this is the type of banana that would grow out of some sort of commercial grow operation that uses pesticides and genetically modified fruit – but no, this is an organic banana. (Insert penis jokes and picture captions bellow).

More Stupid Euphemism Comebacks

tongue tied tim — Fri, 28 May 2010 12:33:30 +0000

Euphemisms and double-speak about being dumb, stupid and useless; with lame and cheesy comebacks. Kids don’t try these at home.

Read more: Over 200 Euphemisms for Stupid

Over 200 Euphemism for Stupid and Useless

tongue tied tim — Fri, 28 May 2010 11:48:30 +0000

Euphemism for Stupid

A beer short of a six pack
A brick short of a load
A burger short of a combo meal
A couple of eggs shy of a dozen
A couple of gallons short of a full tank
A cup and a saucer short of a place setting
A few ants short of a picnic
A few bales short of a wagon load
A few beers short of a six-pack
A few bits short of a byte
A few boats short of a fleet
A few boxes short of a pallet
A few Bradys short of a bunch
A few bricks short of a full load
A few bricks short of a pile
A few bricks short of a wall
A few bristles short of a broom
A few burgers short of a barbecue
A few cards short of a deck
A few clowns short of a circus
A few colors short of a rainbow
A few cracker jacks short of a full box
A few feathers short of a whole duck
A few fries short of a Happy Meal
A few fruit loops shy of a full bowl
A few fuses short of a full circuit
A few grams short of a pound

A few gunmen short of a posse
A few keys short of a keyboard
A few marshmallows short of a bowl of Lucky Charms
A few needles short of a sewing kit
A few noodles short of a chow mein
A few of sheep short of an orgy
A few peas short of a casserole
A few pecans short of a fruitcake
A few players short of a team
A few roos loose in the top paddock
A few sandwiches short of a picnic
A few screws short of a hardware store
A few shades beyond blonde
A few sheep short of a flock
A few snags short of a barbie
A few springs short of a watch
A few tacos short of a fiesta platter
A few threads short of a sweater
A few tomatoes short of a good thick sauce
A few toppings short of a Deluxe Pizza
A few trucks short of a convoy
A few watts short of a light bulb
A fortune cookie short of a Chinese dinner
A pepperoni short of a pizza
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on
A poster child for birth control
A sandwich short of a picnic
A shining example of why you should avoid inbreeding
A tire short of an eighteen wheeler
A train short of a full service?
About as bright as a burnt out 20 watt light bulb
About as sharp as a bowling ball
About as sharp as a marble

About as useful as a chocolate fireguard
All booster, no payload
All foam no beer
All telephone, no receiver
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
Another brain would be lonely
Antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels
Any slower and he’d need to be watered once a week
As bright as a lamp in Aladdin’s cave
As fruity as a bag of Skittles™
As much use as a hedgehog in a condom factory
As much use as a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest
As much use as an ashtray on a motorcycle
As quick as a tortoise on Prozac
As sharp as a pound of wet liver
As smart as a stick
As smart as bait
As some lug nuts rattling in the hubcaps
As useful as a screen door on a submarine
As useful as a wooden frying pan
As useful as tits on a bull
Batteries not included
Battery is not fully charged
Big like ox, smart like tractor
Boat doesn’t have all the oars in the water
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
Body by God, Mind by Mattel

Bright as Alaska in December
Cheese slid off the cracker
Chimney’s clogged
Couldn’t find their way out of a paper bag
Couldn’t hit the floor if he fell on it
Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash
Doesn’t have all the chairs at the table
Doesn’t have all the dots on his dice
Doesn’t know much but leads the league in nostril hair
Doesn’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt
Doesn’t have both oars in the water
Donated his brain to science before he was done with it
Driveway doesn’t quite reach the road
Dumb as a corn cob
Dumb as a donkey
Dumb as a salt shaker
Dumb as a stump
Dumber than a bag of hammers
Dumber than a bag of rocks
Dumber than a box of hair
Dumber than paint
Dump as a stump
Eats soup with a fork
Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor
Elevator doesn’t quite make the top floor
Elevator goes to the top but the doors don’t open
Elevator is stuck between floors
Engine is running but nobody is behind the wheel

Fell out of the family tree
Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
Forgot to pay his brain bill
Gates are down and the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming
Goes surfing in Nebraska
Golf bag doesn’t have a full set of irons
Has a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together
Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t watching
Half a bubble off plumb
Has a leak in the skylight
Has an IQ lower than plant life
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
Has an IQ of room temperature
Has the parachute but is missing the ripcord
Has to take turns for the family brain-cell
Has two brains, one’s lost and the other is out looking for it
Hasn’t seen the ball since kickoff
Having an intelligence rivaled only by garden tools
He had a little too much chlorine in his gene pool
He is so dumb, he would look for a wishbone in a soft-boiled egg
He is so dumb, the only thing he ever read was an eye-chart
He played too much without a helmet
He’s got a leak in his think-tank
He’s got a mind like a steel sieve
He’s got his feet firmly planted 3 feet above the ground
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer
He’s so dense light bends around him
He’s got a leak in his think-tank
He’s got a mind like a steel sieve
He’s got a mind like a steel trap, rusted shut
He’s got his feet firmly planted 3 feet above the ground
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer
He’s so dense light bends around him
He’s so dumb he couldn’t pour the water out of a boot if the instructions
Her sewing machine’s out of thread
His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels
His belt doesn’t go through all the loops
His cheese has slipped off his cracker
His porch light ain’t on
If brains were chocolate – he wouldn’t have enough to fill an M&M
If brains were dynamite – he wouldn’t have enough to blow his nose
If brains were dynamite, he wouldn’t have enough to blow his hat off
If brains were gasoline, he couldn’t ride a moped around a fruit loop
If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate
If he had a brain, he’d be dangerous
If he had another brain, it would be lonely
If stupid were a talent, he would be considered gifted
If their nose was on upside down they’d drown in the rain
If you gave them a penny for thoughts, you’d get change
If you stand close enough to them you can hear the sea
Isn’t firing on all 6 cylinders
Isn’t firing on all thrusters
Its hard to believe that he beat out half a billion other sperm
Kangaroo loose in the top paddock.
Knitting with only one needle
Like a pair of children’s scissors, bright and colorful, but not too sharp
logs are ablaze but the chimney is clogged
Lost contact with the mothership
Million dollar body and a 2 dollar engine
Mind is in neutral, body is in gear
Mind like a rubber bear trap
Missing a few buttons on his remote control
More numb than a frozen mukluk
Most people drink from the fountain of knowledge, they only gargled
Needing a few screws tightened
Nice house, not much furniture

No grain in the silo
Not all the soldiers are marching in line
Not exactly running on all thrusters
Not firing with all spark plugs
Not the brightest bulb in the box
Not the brightest bulb in the Chandalier
Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree
Not the brightest crayon in the box
Not the brightest light in the harbor
Not the brightest light on the Christmas tree
Not the fastest ship in the fleet
Not the quickest bunny in the forest
Not the quickest horse in the stable
Not the sharpest hook in the tackle box
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
Not the sharpest pencil in the box
Off his rocker
On/off switch is stuck in the off position
One board member short of a quorum
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl
One IQ point above brain death
One neuron short of a synapse
One ski short of a snowmobile
One taco short of a combination plate
One tit short of an udder
One turbine short of an airplane
One twist short of a slinky
One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests
Only has half a cord in the woodshed
Only has one oar in the water
Playing hockey with a warped puck
Prime candidate for natural deselection
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
Receiver is off the hook
Relative IQ of a deck chair
Requires directions to lay sod
Result of too much chlorine in the gene pool
Running about a quart low
Running on 3 cylinders
Running on empty
Sets the lowest possible goals, and consistently fails to achieve them
Several nuts short of a full pouch
Sharp as a bowling ball
Sharp as a sack of wet mice
She’s not tied too tight to the pier
Shipped but not delivered
Skylight leaks a little
Slinky’s kinked
Smart as a bag of rocks
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled
Strong like bear, smart like tractor
Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes
Ten cents short of a dollar
The hard drive is spinning but the OS hasn’t been installed
They are depriving some village of its idiot
They have an IQ lower than their shoe size
Three ice bricks shy of an igloo
Too dumb to pull his head in before he shuts the window
Too much yardage between the goal posts
Two hub caps short of a Buick
Umbrella is up but there’s no rain
Warning–Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
Was hiding behind the door when they passed out brains
Was left on the tilt-a-whirl too long as a baby
Wheel is spinning but the hamster fell off
Wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead
Wind is blowing but nothing is moving
Would argue with a signpost
Would be out of her depth in a mud puddle
Would lose a debate with a doorknob.
Wouldn’t know if they were on foot or horseback
You can’t call him an idiot, you’ll insult all the idiots in the world
You’re the flower of my life (you blooming idiot)

More stupid euphemism comebacks

Scratch its: the Poorman’s tax

tongue tied tim — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 22:54:28 +0000

I’m attempting to get a parking ticket dropped. It’s a fight I can’t win but I can ask for a waiver based on having a ‘very low income’. I must fill out a form about my income, monthly expenses and attach documents of proof. I plan to attached a stack of losing scratch it tickets with a note that explains that I lost everything I had in the market down at Wall st.

Healthiest Desserts

tongue tied tim — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 05:54:22 +0000

Another competition I signed up for during my work’s holiday party was Healthiest Dessert. Having blown my budget on my snow globe office cubicle — no, no, that wasn’t even the reason for my submissions, I just thought it was funny. I kind of hoped that I could get enough laughs from it and that people would think it was too funny not to vote for it; people did laugh but not enough to win a prize. But seriously, what’s healthier than these?

now that’s a dive bar

tongue tied tim — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 00:37:26 +0000

Outside a Dive Bar

Inside a Dive Bar

another stupid lame pun pic Inuit-eskimo totem pole

Over 100 Slang Words for Penis

tongue tied tim — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 07:55:09 +0000

Wedding Tackle, Twig and Berries, Knob, Pole, Skin Flute, Fire Hose, Bone or Boner.

Generic Terms for it

Dick
Cock
Wiener
Pecker
Boner
Hard on
Thing
Piece
Member
Tool
Package
Unit
Shaft
It

Get a funny book on the Penis for your coffee table! Penis Pokey

Lesser-Known Penis Slang (perhaps British slang)

Doinker
Prick
Cack
Choad
Chub
Pud
Schlong
Wankie

How about the book Tickle His Pickle on pleasing a penis. a great stocking stuffer!

Penis Slang that could Pass for an Asian Name

Dong
Wang
Ding a ling
Ding dong
Long dong

Give your ex the Guide for a Bigger Penis in front of his new partner

Meat Popsicle, Sausage, Corn Dog, Stinky Pickle, Banana, Bologna Pony, Teeny Weenie.

Phallic Shaped Food

100% all-beef thermometer
Kielbasa
Bratwurst
Meat Popsicle
Big Italian salami
Meat thermometer
Bologna pony
Salami
Sausage
Tube steak
Weenie
Pork sword
Noodle
Banana
Stinky pickle
Corn dog

Penis 101 – Required Reading: History of the Penis

Magic Penis

Magic wand
Staff
Divine Rod
Magic mushroom tip

Penis Love

Love muscle
Love shaft
Love stick
Baby maker

How to Live with a Huge Penis. Seriously, there is a book on this! Thank God!! lol

Ding Dong, Pencil Dick, Third Leg, Ding Dong, Baby Arm, Cock, Mushroom Tip, Love Muscle, Heat Seeking Love Missile, Beef Bayonet, Needle Dick.

Body Parts to Describe Your Part

Main vein
Middle leg
Third leg
Baby arm

Sucks to be You (on the receiving end)

Tonsil tickler
Anal impaler
Cornholer

A great gift for Mothers Day Guide to Fisting, Fingering & Hand Jobs

Not so Proper Fucked

Heat-seeking love missile
Beef bayonet

Tools that Go to Town

Power drill
Jack hammer

Sports Equipment to Play with

Wedding tackle
Bat
Club
Rod
Pole

An E-book I Have a Small Penis Tales, probably so no one can see it sitting on your bookshelf

Phallic Shaped Hardware

Knob

Jack-in-the-Box, Little Solider, Tally Whacker, Joy Stick

Playing with Your Toy

Joystick
Jack-in-the-box
Little solider
Tally Whacker

This One is for the Groupies

Skin flute
Male organ

It’s all about the D

D-train
The D

Now this is more like it! Sexual Urban Legends: Penis Captivus, Vagina Dentata, Soggy Biscuit, Gerbilling, Mars Bar Party, Sex Parties & Rainbow Parties

Penises with Character

Mr. Happy
Bald-Headed Yogurt Slinger
Big Dick and the Twins
Long Dong Silver
Jimmy
Johnson
Little Chubby
Captain Winky
One Eyed Willy
Ole One Eye
One Eyed Monster
Purple-Headed Soldier
Purple Headed Warrior
Peter
Harry Johnson

Captain Winky, Mr. Happy, Purple Headed Warrior, Little Chubby, One Eyed Monster

You’re an Animal — in Bed

Alabama black snake
Anaconda
One eyed snake
One eyed trouser snake
Hog
The Salamander
Purple headed cobra
Electric eel
Worm

I didn’t know you could give yourself a nickname? Guess your penis is the exception: The Penis Name Book: A Guide to Naming Man’s Best Friend

Big Penis Slang Words

Giant Redwood
Horse cock
Hung

Small Penis Slang Words

Pencil dick
Needle dick
Lincoln Log
Tootsie Roll
Tiny Tim
Twig and berries
Teeny weenie

and one more one eyed trouser snake

If you like sexual innuendoes, try a spoof how-to How to Lay Pipe.

one eyed trouser snake

tongue tied tim — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 09:01:41 +0000

slang words for penis

Whether you believe the legend of the one eyed trouser snake to be true or not, here is one sketch-artist’s depiction of the elusive creature; it was all made possible through the help of a hand full of eye witness accounts by drunk sorority girls, one of which has recently been diagnosed with skitzophrenia. The one eyed trouser snake is not thought to be dangerous but on occasion it will puff itself up and rear its head and shaft upwards if it gets messed with. If you encounter a one eyed trouser snake, it is wise to proceed with caution and avoid making eye contact; as one unfortunate victim described it to also spit a unknown substance at her face before it fled for its home but not before it demanded a sandwich and a cigarette.

If you need more try over 100 slang words for penis

Inuit (Eskimo) Totem Pole

tongue tied tim — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 08:11:40 +0000

Here is another stupid funny pic holy shit