Tongue Tied Tim

I am selling my work dress shoes for $349. I need to make a little extra cash since I’ve been laid off from my fledgling Internet marketing career and now I can’t seem to find my unemployment check. My stomach is grumbling, I’m very hungry and need money to buy some food. I’ve even debated throwing these shoes into a pot of boiling water and then eating them; I’ve seen homeless people do it in the movies. I’ve torn my apartment apart trying to find my unemployment check for nearly a week to the point I’m at my wits end.





Please Help! Buy my work shoes.

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For our year end company holiday party we held a competition that included the category best decorated cubicle. After seeing that the prizes included a couple of Wii, iPods, Digital cameras, two bikes and other gifts worth around $200, I decided that I would sign up for a few competitions. I set a budget of $30 and and this is how I spent it.




I took first prize and won myself a Wii. Now to sell if for the much needed cash. $200 for a brand new Wii w/ Wii sports

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For a low low price of $199.95 per look, I will create some stunning head shots of you that could turn you into the next mildly likable C list celebrity – or at least the guy or girl that gets to sleep with the next C lister. With head shots by Tim, you are bound to kind of – sort of – stand out and who knows, you just might even make it into the background of a TMZ video. (Note: Sadly TMZ will not give you a SAG voucher for and appearance) I should know; I asked about it when I was in the background of a video that feature the B list celebrity Randy Jackson. You know the American Idol Judge; yo dog!

I wish I worked as a paparazzi; my first celebrity sighting was of Lindsey Lohan at the Santa Monica DMV. I was trading in my Oregon license for a California one; she was getting hers reinstated after that judge took it away for all the trouble she had caused. Apparently a good photo of her leaving the the DMV could have gotten me over a $1,000.

If you are interested contact us at
timwinter@tonguetiedtim.com

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This is another great story about my times as a valet on the corner of Wilshire and La Cienega in Beverly Hills. It was a steady night at the restaurant and I had already  parked several cars that night. During a break in the action this guy who looks just like Barry Bathernath (the funny Jay Chandrasekhar from the Broken Lizard’s film Beerfest) gets my attention from about 50 feet away. He gestures me over as to say he wants to talk to me. I thought, oh he wants his car brought up or perhaps some directions; that was not the case. Instead he had a few questions for me. For story telling purposes we will call this guy Barry.

Barry: Hi, how’s it going tonight? Are you keeping busy?
Me: Yeah it’s a little slow but it’s not bad.
Barry: How’s the money in the valet business these days?
Me: Well, the economy kind of sucks so it hasn’t been all that good.
Barry: So you are not making good tips?
Me: Not really.

Barry: Hey, do you want to make some extra money?
Me: (thinking he wanted me to drop him off somewhere because people asked me that a lot.) What to do you mean; I might be interested?
Barry: You know…
Me: No really, I don’t.
Barry: [long pause and looks me in the eyes] …I’ve never been with a man before.
Me: (thinking this is too funny! this guy is totally gay) OHHH! I’m sorry I don’t think I can help you with that one.
Barry: Well, what if you just sit in the car and watch?
Me: (thinking, watch what?) I’m pretty open to trying new things but I don’t think I would be willing to do that.
Barry: I’ll give you $200.00.
Me: (thinking it would be funny to have him ask my coworker the same question) I can’t help you but maybe [points at coworker] he could?
Barry: I’m not interested in him – he isn’t my type.
Me: Well, I hope you find what you are looking for, I have to go now [as I walk away].

I sure could have used that $200.00 and it’s nice to know that I’m worth about $200.00 to the gay community. I wonder why Barry asked me? I don’t think I put off the gay vibe; I’m just glad he asked me and not some guy who is homophobic because all that was very forward of Barry and who knows how other people might have reacted.

This got me thinking; I should offer my services as a male escort (jestcourt = jester + escort). Not as a sexual thing at all but as a, I’m a pretty cool mildly funny guy to hang out with and you can pay me to go out with you to make you laugh. I’ll provide the jokes and comedy, if you cover the logistics. (You cover all the expenses and transportation + $8/hr for my services). I offer competitive packages, a great rewards program and a money back guarantee.

Contact me if you are interested in my services
timwinter@tonguetiedtim.com

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I got a Matt Kemp bobble head doll at the Dodgers game last night but I’m not that big of a fan of the Dodgers. It’s slightly less than mint condition, the box is slightly damaged, let me explain:

In the first inning, some drunk Cardinals fan kicked it while I had it placed on the ground under my seat. I don’t even know how he managed to do that; ninja skill I suppose. In the third inning, I set it in a puddle of beer on the condiments table while I was trying to put some ketchup on my Dodger Dog. In the fifth inning, I dropped it into the urinal; I thought I could balance it on the small ledge above the urinal but when I caught a guy checking out my other bobble head I got flustered and accidentally knocked it in. Don’t worry though, I rinsed it off in the sink. In the seventh inning, I kind of sat on it; I was so wrapped up in the signing of take me out to the ball game that I totally spaced that I had set it in my seat. When the game was over, we were on our way to the car (Okay, by this time I’m pretty trashed) and I stupidly left it on the top of the car; it of course fell off and my brother kinda sorta ran it over. Well, just the top half of the box anyway.

It could totally be mint condition again for anyone that likes a fixer upper and a challenge; a little tape, a little glue and I’m pretty sure the springy doodad needs to be replaced as well. If you are like me and can pant miniatures as kick butt as I can, (i specialize in dragons and unicorns – because they are my favorite animals); anyway it couldn’t hurt to repaint it.

I’ve gone ahead and posted a pic of what it should look like. so you won’t get confused about how it should look when you are done assembling it.

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