Posted June 30th, 2010 by tongue tied tim
Facebook Update
I ride the bus every day and sometimes a person in a wheel chair gets on. This process can sometimes take 5min; when you got to be at work in 10min, this is time you don’t have. I thought why don’t they just stick them on the front of the bus like they do bikes? – I mean, give them some goggles of course. I’m not cruel.
Facebook Comment
Matt: They should just have some sort of scooper like the garbage trucks have.
Tim: Or like the game when you try to use that claw to pick up a stuffed animal; but that would take even longer since the drivers are bound to lose a few – so close.
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Posted March 3rd, 2010 by plain jane
This post was written a few years ago when I was living in San Diego. I frequently wrote emails to my girlfriends back home about various events and boys in my life and I’ve decided to share some of those emails with you here. This particular email is a favorite of the 1189 crew.
So as you ladies know, I am still unemployed (approaching the 6mo mark soon!) and very poor. In my latest and probably greatest money making schemes, I decided to seek out research opportunities. Not to work for the research groups, but rather to participate.
A few weeks ago I was in a taste test for subway that paid me $50 for an hour. All I had to do was sample a few dishes for their new breakfast menu and write down what I liked and what I didn’t. It was a win-win- I got paid to eat! Yesterday I called the same research company to inquire about a “baby brand” study I had heard about. I lied and said I was with child (you had to be at least 12 weeks along in order to be eligible for the study). I said yes, of course I have already purchased things for the baby (stroller, crib, clothes). What brands? Oh, well, Disney brand stuff mostly. Yes, I am available tomorrow at three to come downtown for the study. John (my boyfriend at the time) says this was an audition for me…I am an actress…and the way to earn my money is to convince these people that I really am pregnant. So off I went downtown today wearing my most pregnant looking shirt (it should be noted that at this point in time I was often confused for Lindsay Lohan as we were both disgustingly thin and maybe a wee bit cracked out looking). I went to the “audition” and the first thing I noticed was that I was by far the skinniest girl there. These chicks were very pregnant; that didn’t deter me though. No sir. I sat on the couch in my best pregnant lady shirt pretending like I was just a few months along and that is why I am not fat like the rest of them.
The research coordinators began calling our names to go into the room for the study. All of a sudden they pull me aside and said, Plain Jane? Can you just wait out here? Fuck! That’s it, the jig is up! …But then I noticed two other women sitting in the waiting room; I wasn’t alone. The man told us that they over booked and will no longer be needing our services but to wait here a minute. I immediately thought, oh shit, some higher baby power didn’t want me contributing information on baby brand research. After waiting in the lobby for a while with the other expectant mothers, one of them says to me, did you just have a baby or something? I quickly respond oh no, no! Again I think to myself, the jig is up! Everyone here knows you are a fraud! I begin to sweat and worry what’s going to happen to me. Can they put me in jail for misrepresentation? The woman goes on to say, ‘cause you’re skinny and I was thinking there is no way that you are pregnant. I nervously laughed and said, oh, well, I’m only ten weeks along and I still work out…so I guess that’s why. WHAT??? Did that really just come out of my mouth?!
Anyway, the man conducting the study calls us up to sign out and says that we still qualify to participate in any related upcoming studies and here is my $75 for coming downtown and sitting in a waiting room for 20 minutes! Yes!! I got my money and didn’t have to do anything for it!!
Posted February 11th, 2010 by tongue tied tim
Plain Jane: To celebrate Valentines Day, change your Profile Picture to you and your significant other. Tell how long you’ve been together! Almost 3 years together! 2 years as my boss
Plain Jane: And the rumor you might have heard — Its true. She took my virginity. I’ve been holding out on her for so many months I thought I’d finally give in.
Plain Jane:By the way, gay is the new straight.
Tim I think this whole idea is stupid. Haha, Jane is a liar; it was not Erin who took it, it was our mentally challenged neighbor down the street. She tried to convince us he wasn’t but we knew he was; all the Special Olympics medals hanging up in his room was kind of a give away. it was the start of a long line of retards that she would go on to date and bang.
Plain Jane: that is so horrible, Tim… but I had to laugh.
Ryan: Well I was going to put TO backup there but I decided not to. And ya Tim harsh! Nobody ridicules you for having sex with sheep, retards need love too!
Tim:That sheep said he was 18! dude! I’m never going to live that one down am I.
Ryan: Not a chance, but for a cheap price I will keep my mouth shut about the tranny? Oops
funny facebook updates: poop in a shoe
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Posted February 1st, 2010 by tongue tied tim
Tim: I’m finally getting my tune up for my Mac before the Apple Care runs out. Since I will likely not have a laptop for a week and I’m starting a new job, I won’t be around for awhile. In the mean time, Brad will be your go to guy for stupid status updates. Brad, don’t let me down. Good thing I have a GF right now, otherwise I’d be freaking out about not having access to free porn. She said if I’m lucky, I might be able to see a boob soon. and something about looking in the mirror.
Brad: You know, I’ve actually never posted a status message before. I’m just not half as witty as you, The Tim Winter. HOWEVER… I know Jennifer will try to fill your shoes.
Jenn: Fill his shoes with cat poop? Oh yes I can, and will, do that tonight while he’s sleeping.
Brad: I think human feces would be more appropriate.
Jenn: Well that could be tough. I’ll eat lots of fiber this weekend.
Brad: I didn’t say it had to be yours.
Jenn: Okay good cause I don’t poop. Girls don’t do that. Also, the Queen of England doesn’t fart. Tim does though.
Tim: I once pooped in an ex girlfriend’s shoes once. I guess I wouldn’t want to know what it would be like to be in her shoes. Ohh, God, that was a lame thing to say. But seriously, Jenn don’t poop in my shoes. You and your sick fetishes.
Brad: Tim, weren’t you the one who made murals with his own feces? Oh wait, that was me!
funny facebook updates: calling my gf
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Posted January 29th, 2010 by tongue tied tim
Tim: Tonight was the first time I called my GF just to talk; we have been dating for five months; does that make me awesome or just a dick? I texted a lot and only called when I wanted to meet up. I personally don’t see anything wrong with that.
Jenn: He tried to turn it into phone sex but he got uncomfortable when I suggested I rub his taint.
Tim: I said that ain’t cool but you heard “the taint, cool.”
funny facebook updates: sheep shit pie
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Posted January 25th, 2010 by tongue tied tim
Bad advice: Don’t name your GF’s new fancy goldfish “Ka Dunk” and “Bloop”. Those poor little goldfish were doomed from the start and destined to make those exact sounds when I had to flush them down the toilet after I accidentally killed them. I didn’t transition them from their goldfish bowl into their new goldfish pond outside very well. (from warm water to cold and different pH and Oxygen levels) Now I have to somehow save 20 fish to balance my karma and also give my GF $10.00.
I started this website to help fix my karma: The Complete Pet Goldfish Guide
Posted January 21st, 2010 by tongue tied tim
How to Crop Dust
Living on a farm ain’t easy – And during these economic times, living on a farm definitely ain’t easy. Like any good neighbor during times of uncertainty, it’s thoughtful to share what resources you have with the neighbors that have not. Some of you neighbors might be too proud to ask for help or you just might not want to be seen as a softy if you offer to help; so when you decide you are going to crop dust your neighbor’s field, you have to do it when they aren’t looking and least expect it.
You just ate your early morning breakfast burrito and your plane is all gassed up and ready to go. You’re so antsy to get your butt in the air to crop dust that you can hardly contain yourself! Of course, you don’t want to wake your neighbors, so you must be stealthy on this adventure, which you playfully codename, “Silent but Deadly.”
1) As you spot your mark, fly low just under the radar. Line up your approach and open your release-hatch slowly; careful not to spread your flaps too wide or you risk being detected. (Release early to compensate for your speed and wind direction.)
2) Continue to crop dust as long as you can; get it all out because you will only get one pass at it. Give It time, it will spread and eventually engulf they area.
3) Once you finish, keep your cool and begin to pull up. Gain some altitude and get yourself lost in the crowd of clouds. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
NOTE:
Your neighbors will unquestionably be grateful for your willingness to share, and even if they don’t ask for more, you should consistently pull this one off without anyone noticing you did it. Remember, it’s always a successful mission if someone else gets credited (or blamed) for your actions.
how to lay pipe how to get through a period
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Posted January 21st, 2010 by tongue tied tim
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas unless someone you are with takes cell phone pics. After three days and nights in Las Vegas (Las Wages), we were all broke and had to entertain ourselves on the cheap. After using our last free drink ticket at the sports book, watching most of our bets lose by a single point, we stumbled out into the maze that is the casino floor. In one of the many hallways to nowhere, we came across the inspiration for the night, The Rascal!
We came up with the idea to try and take pictures of us in random situations with what ever props we had available at the time. We stopped at the convenience store just outside of the casino to buy some more booze. Our buddy Chris ran in and came out with a bunch of 24 oz cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon; my favorite!
But, from the time we left the casino to the convenience store, we lost Mike — and so we backed tracked, only to find him on the escalator, passed out on it.
We woke Mike up and are plan was back on. We found a statue that looked a lot like a cock and balls, we just had to get a picture of us on it. This is our version of those photo boards you stick your head through, the ones that make you look like you have big muscles or a hot body. Everyone wants a picture that makes you look you have a huge cock — or in Chris’s case, a picture of him getting impaled by a huge white cock.
The police came by and threatened to arrest us for something so we moved on. As we left, Chris did a stunt man slide over the top of their patrol car that thankfully they didn’t see.
We stopped into any casino that had a drink special posted on the outside; $1.00 beers and $2.00 margaritas — “Drink!” — So it all gets a little blurry about what happened next that night out on the Las Vegas strip; as you can see by the diminishing quality of our photos, which is an accurate depiction of our drunkenness.
Posted January 18th, 2010 by tongue tied tim
Tim: I filed a complaint with HR today; I told them I think the company is racist for making us work on MLK Day and that we were offended by it. Then I pulled the “what do you mean, your people” line; in the end, I got two grape popsicles — two because I made the comment, “Ohh, grape popsicles, of course you knew I wanted grape.” Two popsicles, sweet!
Brad: Yes, HR is giving us all popsicles in lieu of health and dental benefits.
Jenn: Free popsicles so your teeth rot faster….
Matt: Grape popsicles are racist.
Brad: Yet The Tim Winter eating a grape popsicle is feminist.
Jenn: He likes those grape popsicles A LOT. He likes to insert them in places I won’t mention here.
Coco: Who works on MLK day? You work for racists.
Tim: Well, I’m at work but I wouldn’t say that what I do here is considered work; unless you count how I work very hard at making my bosses believe that I’m working. It’s actually rather taxing.
Jenn, you are a bit off in your comment — A grape popsicle is the same thing that the prison doctors gave me to ice my mouth when I had what they called a “freak accident” while in county lock up. Things went in, but it wasn’t me doing the inserting; the popsicles came afterwards.
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Posted January 18th, 2010 by tongue tied tim
How to Lay Pipe
You come from a long line of plumbers. Your dad was one, as was his father and so on; in fact, being a pipe layer is your family’s oldest profession. While growing up, you can recall watching an endless amount of training videos with your dad while your mom was gone on overnight business trips with her boss. For hours, you’d watch countless plumbers arriving at the homes of lonely housewives, offering to fix their pipes. Your dad called it “continuing education.”
To make your father proud, you vowed to become the most hands-on plumber ever. After studying hard at FU (Funk University), you now believe that no job is too big, too hard, too thick, too sweaty, too muddy, or too rough. – But you remain untested and have little real world experience laying the pipe.
Today, the divorced soccer mom across the street needs help with her rusty pipes. You smile, ‘cause as it turns out, her pipes are in pretty good condition considering their age. You were born for this. This is a job you can do yourself; let us show you how to lay pipe.
1) If you want to lay pipe properly, you will need to do some important prep work before you go sticking any pipes into her yard. This might require you to get on your knees and get your hands a little dirty. (Note: it’s quite alright if her pipes got wet in your prep; this will actually help the pipes to slide together easier.)
2) Pick up a section of pipe and grab it firmly. This might require two hands if the girth of your pipe is on the larger side. With your pipe in hand(s), line up your target and get ready to ease it on in. (Note: If you start to get sweaty and hot, feel free to take off your shirt. Housewives love that sort of stuff.)
3) Lay your pipe in the hole and attach the male end to the female end. If you brought the right pipe, it should be a nice, snug fit. If you are concerned about a watertight seal, you should use some protective plumber’s tape to wrap around the end of your pipe. You don’t want any leaks, ‘cause if you don’t do it right, you might hear of a potential problem growing in her yard in about 9 months. It will likely destroy her yard and cost you a lot of money every month to make it right.
4) Theoretically you could lay pipe all day but you don’t want to leave your client’s yard ravaged so once she is satisfied (or you run out of pipe), your job is done! Clean yourself up, wipe the sweat off your brow and make sure you didn’t leave any of your mess behind. Have your client make you a sandwich, have a smoke, and then take a nap.
If you thought this was mildly amusing, read the post that started it all, How to Pitch a Tent
