Tongue Tied Tim

Note: I was very intoxicated when I wrote this

I live in a state where you are either a State fan or you’re not. The intensity and hatred over this rivalry causes me a lot of grief since most of my friends went to State and I went to the University. Tonight I went to a bar with Emily and The Doctor along with several University friends to watch the game and have a few beers. The game was back and forth point for point for much of the game. Anytime State would score a TD, I would crumple up my recently drained PBR tall boy and throw it at the TV. At some point after we scored a touch down, I decided I needed to do another high kick in front of the TV where everyone was watching (yes, I’m a wannabe cheerleader and bust out my old high school moves). I pulled my jeans up since the last time I did the kick I felt my jeans pull in the right groin region and it really limited my extension. As soon as that right foot reached for the air, my left foot left the ground. I was airborne. Both legs were extended in the air with a crowd of State and University fans watching. The next thing I knew I landed directly on my tailbone. Fuck, did that hurt my ass. I lay there for a minute debating what I should do while I looked at the concerned faces of my friends. It turns out the loud “thump” they heard (and the dramatic way I flew into the air and landed) lead them to believe that I had hit my head. One friend rushed over to assess me (she recently took a CPR class) for a spinal cord injury before pulling me upright. In the end, my team beat State, but I was not allowed to move from my seat (where I was tied in with my own sweatshirt) until the game was over. Kroz, my college roommate, was kind enough to bring my beer to my mouth to let me continue drinking… unfortunately she poured much of it down my shirt so now I looked like a total mess. As a side note, Kroz brought her own Yerba Mate with her to the bar to use as mixers. She ordered glass after glass of $4 bacardi which she splashed Mate into. Seems pretty ironic to me that I’m the drunken mess of the evening.

After the game was over, we left the bar and ran into some state fans in the parking lot. I was dying for a cigarette so I asked them if they had one. They told me no and asked if I was a University fan. I didn’t answer and tried to close my coat so they couldn’t see my T-shirt. They said if I was wiling to sleep with the guy who was driving away, then I could get a smoke. I quickly replied I was not going to have sex with anyone for a cigarette. They responded with, “come on, you’re not that good looking!” Are you fucking serious!? What a bunch of fraternity dicks! I told those boys that I wasn’t some slut like the State girls, and I certainly wasn’t going to sleep with some douche bag for a smoke…they had me confused (as a note, my girlfriends from State are not slutty, but MANY of the girls that go to State are). After I walked away smokeless I realized just how ridiculous those boys were. Did they seriously think that was how to treat a lady (even one that fell on her ass and swore in front of a bar)? I guess I won’t be having one of those boys rubbing my ass tonight… a pack of ice will have to do. Now I must eat my turkey sandwich and pass out…

Update: the following morning I was told that I had slipped on a small amount of beer that was on the floor. The beer came from the cans that I was smashing and throwing at the TV. I’d say that was karma smacking me in the ass.

Update 2: Apparently this is the second year in a row that I’ve done this at the rivalry game. I was told that I fell off a stage last year when I got overly excited about the win. I didn’t want to believe this at first but a guy I don’t even know (but I must have met at last years game) immediately remembered me as the girl who fell when we met again this year. I guess it has to be true.

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