Tongue Tied Tim

With the holidays approaching, I’m reminded of a Christmas story from last year. As I’ve mentioned before, I spend a lot of time with the stay-at-home-moms club and their families. Each year we have a Christmas exchange party where we enjoy drinks and watch the kids open presents, etc. As I am the only single one at this party, we always seem to discuss who my future boyfriend will be. My beautiful friend, Skinny Bitch (SB), and her husband, Bruce, decided they had found the man just for me. Jerry, Bruce’s co-worker, was a young (23), attractive (says Bruce) guy who worked in the auto body shop. Now, usually I like my men a little older-though not quite as old as old balls- but I was willing to give it a go. Bruce took my picture with his camera phone to show to Jerry. Mistake number 1: My photo was taken with a new pair of stripper shoes I had just gotten for Christmas from SB (at the time we were enrolled in a pole dancing class).

A few days later I got a text from Jerry telling me that Bruce gave him my number and that he would like to take me out (again with the fucking text!). Jerry and I text back and forth maybe 4 times and I think I said he needed to send me a pic of him since he saw a pic of me and it was only fair. I can remember this clear as day-I was sitting in front of the pole dancing class waiting for it to start when I got an MMS from Jerry… he was shirtless! After I burst out laughing at such a ridiculous picture I told Jerry I had to go. That I was too busy to go out with him when he had suggested so he should just try me again another time. I showed SB the picture when she got to class and she was angry that her husband could set me up with a spray tan douche bag that sends half naked pictures to girls.

About a week later I got another text from Jerry. He wanted to know if I was interested in going out with him and a bunch of his guy friends on a Friday night. I told him that I couldn’t go out…that I wouldn’t be able to go out for a long time-I was pregnant! I have no idea where this thought came from but it seemed like a very reasonable thing to do to get this dude off my back. He wrote back, “are you serious? That sucks.” As I giggled with glee that he would believe such a thing I wrote back that it was in fact true and that I didn’t know what I was going to do. He then replied (this is all 100% true and not exaggerated, by the way), “as a guy I’d tell you to just get rid of it because that’s the easy thing to do. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to call me.” OK, really? I have never even met you and you think I’m going to call you for advice about what I should do about my presumably illegitimate baby? I thanked him and told him I’d figure it out.

As soon as I finished texting him I called Bruce and SB to tell them what I did so that they could confirm my story. Just as I thought, Jerry asked Bruce if he thought it was true. Bruce, being the awesome friend that he is to me, lied and said that he thought I was dating some random dude so that it could definitely be true. Months later my name came up in conversation again between Bruce and Jerry and Bruce told him I had had an abortion since I didn’t know who the father was.

I later found out that Jerry wanted me to go with him and his friends to a strip club that night. I guess since I was taking a pole dancing class he thought it reasonable to take me out for a steak and some vagina for our first date. Turns out that’s not the same thing…

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