Euphemisms and double-speak about being dumb, stupid and useless; with lame and cheesy comebacks. Kids don’t try these at home.
Read more: Over 200 Euphemisms for Stupid
Posted May 28th, 2010 by tongue tied tim
Posted May 28th, 2010 by tongue tied tim
More stupid euphemism comebacks
Euphemism for Stupid
- A beer short of a six pack
- A brick short of a load
- A burger short of a combo meal
- A couple of eggs shy of a dozen
- A couple of gallons short of a full tank
- A cup and a saucer short of a place setting
- A few ants short of a picnic
- A few bales short of a wagon load
- A few beers short of a six-pack
- A few bits short of a byte
- A few boats short of a fleet
- A few boxes short of a pallet
- A few Bradys short of a bunch
- A few bricks short of a full load
- A few bricks short of a pile
- A few bricks short of a wall
- A few bristles short of a broom
- A few burgers short of a barbecue
- A few cards short of a deck
- A few clowns short of a circus
- A few colors short of a rainbow
- A few cracker jacks short of a full box
- A few feathers short of a whole duck
- A few fries short of a Happy Meal
- A few fruit loops shy of a full bowl
- A few fuses short of a full circuit
- A few grams short of a pound
- A few gunmen short of a posse
- A few keys short of a keyboard
- A few marshmallows short of a bowl of Lucky Charms
- A few needles short of a sewing kit
- A few noodles short of a chow mein
- A few of sheep short of an orgy
- A few peas short of a casserole
- A few pecans short of a fruitcake
- A few players short of a team
- A few roos loose in the top paddock
- A few sandwiches short of a picnic
- A few screws short of a hardware store
- A few shades beyond blonde
- A few sheep short of a flock
- A few snags short of a barbie
- A few springs short of a watch
- A few tacos short of a fiesta platter
- A few threads short of a sweater
- A few tomatoes short of a good thick sauce
- A few toppings short of a Deluxe Pizza
- A few trucks short of a convoy
- A few watts short of a light bulb
- A fortune cookie short of a Chinese dinner
- A pepperoni short of a pizza
- A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on
- A poster child for birth control
- A sandwich short of a picnic
- A shining example of why you should avoid inbreeding
- A tire short of an eighteen wheeler
- A train short of a full service?
- About as bright as a burnt out 20 watt light bulb
- About as sharp as a bowling ball
- About as sharp as a marble
- About as useful as a chocolate fireguard
- All booster, no payload
- All foam no beer
- All telephone, no receiver
- An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
- An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
- Another brain would be lonely
- Antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels
- Any slower and he’d need to be watered once a week
- As bright as a lamp in Aladdin’s cave
- As fruity as a bag of Skittles™
- As much use as a hedgehog in a condom factory
- As much use as a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest
- As much use as an ashtray on a motorcycle
- As quick as a tortoise on Prozac
- As sharp as a pound of wet liver
- As smart as a stick
- As smart as bait
- As some lug nuts rattling in the hubcaps
- As useful as a screen door on a submarine
- As useful as a wooden frying pan
- As useful as tits on a bull
- Batteries not included
- Battery is not fully charged
- Big like ox, smart like tractor
- Boat doesn’t have all the oars in the water
- Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
- Body by God, Mind by Mattel
- Bright as Alaska in December
- Cheese slid off the cracker
- Chimney’s clogged
- Couldn’t find their way out of a paper bag
- Couldn’t hit the floor if he fell on it
- Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
- Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash
- Doesn’t have all the chairs at the table
- Doesn’t have all the dots on his dice
- Doesn’t know much but leads the league in nostril hair
- Doesn’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt
- Doesn’t have both oars in the water
- Donated his brain to science before he was done with it
- Driveway doesn’t quite reach the road
- Dumb as a corn cob
- Dumb as a donkey
- Dumb as a salt shaker
- Dumb as a stump
- Dumber than a bag of hammers
- Dumber than a bag of rocks
- Dumber than a box of hair
- Dumber than paint
- Dump as a stump
- Eats soup with a fork
- Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor
- Elevator doesn’t quite make the top floor
- Elevator goes to the top but the doors don’t open
- Elevator is stuck between floors
- Engine is running but nobody is behind the wheel
- Fell out of the family tree
- Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
- Forgot to pay his brain bill
- Gates are down and the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming
- Goes surfing in Nebraska
- Golf bag doesn’t have a full set of irons
- Has a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together
- Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t watching
- Half a bubble off plumb
- Has a leak in the skylight
- Has an IQ lower than plant life
- Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
- Has an IQ of room temperature
- Has the parachute but is missing the ripcord
- Has to take turns for the family brain-cell
- Has two brains, one’s lost and the other is out looking for it
- Hasn’t seen the ball since kickoff
- Having an intelligence rivaled only by garden tools
- He had a little too much chlorine in his gene pool
- He is so dumb, he would look for a wishbone in a soft-boiled egg
- He is so dumb, the only thing he ever read was an eye-chart
- He played too much without a helmet
- He’s got a leak in his think-tank
- He’s got a mind like a steel sieve
- He’s got his feet firmly planted 3 feet above the ground
- He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer
- He’s so dense light bends around him
- He’s got a leak in his think-tank
- He’s got a mind like a steel sieve
- He’s got a mind like a steel trap, rusted shut
- He’s got his feet firmly planted 3 feet above the ground
- He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer
- He’s so dense light bends around him
- He’s so dumb he couldn’t pour the water out of a boot if the instructions
- Her sewing machine’s out of thread
- His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels
- His belt doesn’t go through all the loops
- His cheese has slipped off his cracker
- His porch light ain’t on
- If brains were chocolate – he wouldn’t have enough to fill an M&M
- If brains were dynamite – he wouldn’t have enough to blow his nose
- If brains were dynamite, he wouldn’t have enough to blow his hat off
- If brains were gasoline, he couldn’t ride a moped around a fruit loop
- If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate
- If he had a brain, he’d be dangerous
- If he had another brain, it would be lonely
- If stupid were a talent, he would be considered gifted
- If their nose was on upside down they’d drown in the rain
- If you gave them a penny for thoughts, you’d get change
- If you stand close enough to them you can hear the sea
- Isn’t firing on all 6 cylinders
- Isn’t firing on all thrusters
- Its hard to believe that he beat out half a billion other sperm
- Kangaroo loose in the top paddock.
- Knitting with only one needle
- Like a pair of children’s scissors, bright and colorful, but not too sharp
- logs are ablaze but the chimney is clogged
- Lost contact with the mothership
- Million dollar body and a 2 dollar engine
- Mind is in neutral, body is in gear
- Mind like a rubber bear trap
- Missing a few buttons on his remote control
- More numb than a frozen mukluk
- Most people drink from the fountain of knowledge, they only gargled
- Needing a few screws tightened
- Nice house, not much furniture
- No grain in the silo
- Not all the soldiers are marching in line
- Not exactly running on all thrusters
- Not firing with all spark plugs
- Not the brightest bulb in the box
- Not the brightest bulb in the Chandalier
- Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree
- Not the brightest crayon in the box
- Not the brightest light in the harbor
- Not the brightest light on the Christmas tree
- Not the fastest ship in the fleet
- Not the quickest bunny in the forest
- Not the quickest horse in the stable
- Not the sharpest hook in the tackle box
- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
- Not the sharpest pencil in the box
- Off his rocker
- On/off switch is stuck in the off position
- One board member short of a quorum
- One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl
- One IQ point above brain death
- One neuron short of a synapse
- One ski short of a snowmobile
- One taco short of a combination plate
- One tit short of an udder
- One turbine short of an airplane
- One twist short of a slinky
- One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests
- Only has half a cord in the woodshed
- Only has one oar in the water
- Playing hockey with a warped puck
- Prime candidate for natural deselection
- Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
- Receiver is off the hook
- Relative IQ of a deck chair
- Requires directions to lay sod
- Result of too much chlorine in the gene pool
- Running about a quart low
- Running on 3 cylinders
- Running on empty
- Sets the lowest possible goals, and consistently fails to achieve them
- Several nuts short of a full pouch
- Sharp as a bowling ball
- Sharp as a sack of wet mice
- She’s not tied too tight to the pier
- Shipped but not delivered
- Skylight leaks a little
- Slinky’s kinked
- Smart as a bag of rocks
- Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled
- Strong like bear, smart like tractor
- Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes
- Ten cents short of a dollar
- The hard drive is spinning but the OS hasn’t been installed
- They are depriving some village of its idiot
- They have an IQ lower than their shoe size
- Three ice bricks shy of an igloo
- Too dumb to pull his head in before he shuts the window
- Too much yardage between the goal posts
- Two hub caps short of a Buick
- Umbrella is up but there’s no rain
- Warning–Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
- Was hiding behind the door when they passed out brains
- Was left on the tilt-a-whirl too long as a baby
- Wheel is spinning but the hamster fell off
- Wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead
- Wind is blowing but nothing is moving
- Would argue with a signpost
- Would be out of her depth in a mud puddle
- Would lose a debate with a doorknob.
- Wouldn’t know if they were on foot or horseback
- You can’t call him an idiot, you’ll insult all the idiots in the world
- You’re the flower of my life (you blooming idiot)
More stupid euphemism comebacks
Posted May 25th, 2010 by tongue tied tim
Via: Funny Facebook Updates
Tim: Yo momma so fat she is too big to fail in the fast food industry.
Matt: Yo momma so fat she walked out in front of my car and when I swerved to go around her, I ran out of gas.
Dan: Ooh, Ooh.. I wanna play. Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter, and a vein burst in George Washingtons forehead.
Tim: Yo momma fails
- Yo Momma so fat she is in serious risk of congestive heart failure, type two diabetes, stroke and osteoarthritis. She so fat she could die.
- Yo Momma so stupid she never learned how to read, write or do simple arithmetic; she was too busy being forced into child prostitution.
- Yo Momma so retarded that after the head on collision, doctors said she doesn’t have a functioning brain.
Posted May 19th, 2010 by tongue tied tim
Facebook Status Update
I’ve only ever seen a half season of Lost and I’m now convinced Jacob wants to sell everyone a time share in some swamp land. I really thought he was going to bust out a projector and powerpoint presentation when he had them all together.
Facebook Comments:
Rob: Spoiler Alert!! Dummy.
Read more Funny Facebook Status Updates: Sloppy Joe, Strip Club on Christmas.
Posted May 11th, 2010 by tongue tied tim
Facebook Status Update
I applied for some very intriguing jobs on the Craigslist today. One was for a Tug Job Operator in West Hollywood. I didn’t know there were any lakes in Hollywood. Anyways I applied for it. Another positions I applied for was a Rim Job Specialist. I know I don’t know anything about detailing a car but I’m ready to dive on in and learn some new skills. I’m pretty desperate so I also applied for the Anal Checker position, in the back of the house. I can do a little quality assurance of goods, why not. Plus I wouldn’t have to deal with any customer A-holes.
Read more funny facebook updates: TMI and TIM, Laundry and Boners
Posted May 5th, 2010 by tongue tied tim
Jen: More photos coming soon. It’s hard to catch them on film.
tongue tied tim: I’ll do it. I used to take portraits of children at Olan Mills. That was until I was arrested after their employees called the police on me.
Brad: I made the phone call, actually. What’s with you and all these cats tim? M.O. lester?
Jen: Those are my pussies he’s been playing with…..
Brad: At least he has a hobby during unemployment.
tongue tied tim: yeah I use the kittens to lure little kids into my van. where I then force them to make wallets and blankets that I sell to china who then sells them to America. A four week old kitten will win over a child in less than ten minutes, heart and all. Always be weary of anyone who owns a kitten farm.
Posted May 5th, 2010 by tongue tied tim
status update
Plain Jane: I didn’t eat for 32 hours and I only lost 1.6 lbs. It’s hard to guage if my body is healthier after that cleanse,either way it sure doesn’t feel worth it. Happily back to eating again
Sara: ‘m happy you’re back to eating too! Let me know how your trainer goes tonight.
Sara: You should go get a massage to help the toxins on their way out. That would make it more worth it… just sayin.
Plain Jane: That’s true, Sara. Very good idea. Also, I could go to the steam or sauna tonight at the gym.
tongue tied tim: You should cut yourself and bleed all the toxins and evil spirits out. then cover your head in cow poop while riding backwards in a buggy. If that doesn’t work you should try holding your breath and drinking a glass of dragons milk through your nose using a twisty straw. Not to be confused with a bendy straw! You don’t want to get pregnant now.
Plain Jane: good advice, Tim!
