Tongue Tied Tim

Tim: Tonight was the first time I called my GF just to talk; we have been dating for five months; does that make me awesome or just a dick? I texted a lot and only called when I wanted to meet up. I personally don’t see anything wrong with that.

Jenn: He tried to turn it into phone sex but he got uncomfortable when I suggested I rub his taint.

Tim: I said that ain’t cool but you heard “the taint, cool.”






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Bad advice: Don’t name your GF’s new fancy goldfish “Ka Dunk” and “Bloop”. Those poor little goldfish were doomed from the start and destined to make those exact sounds when I had to flush them down the toilet after I accidentally killed them. I didn’t transition them from their goldfish bowl into their new goldfish pond outside very well. (from warm water to cold and different pH and Oxygen levels) Now I have to somehow save 20 fish to balance my karma and also give my GF $10.00.




I started this website to help fix my karma: The Complete Pet Goldfish Guide

How to Crop Dust

Living on a farm ain’t easy – And during these economic times, living on a farm definitely ain’t easy. Like any good neighbor during times of uncertainty, it’s thoughtful to share what resources you have with the neighbors that have not. Some of you neighbors might be too proud to ask for help or you just might not want to be seen as a softy if you offer to help; so when you decide you are going to crop dust your neighbor’s field, you have to do it when they aren’t looking and least expect it.

You just ate your early morning breakfast burrito and your plane is all gassed up and ready to go. You’re so antsy to get your butt in the air to crop dust that you can hardly contain yourself! Of course, you don’t want to wake your neighbors, so you must be stealthy on this adventure, which you playfully codename, “Silent but Deadly.”

1) As you spot your mark, fly low just under the radar. Line up your approach and open your release-hatch slowly; careful not to spread your flaps too wide or you risk being detected. (Release early to compensate for your speed and wind direction.)

2) Continue to crop dust as long as you can; get it all out because you will only get one pass at it. Give It time, it will spread and eventually engulf they area.

3) Once you finish, keep your cool and begin to pull up. Gain some altitude and get yourself lost in the crowd of clouds. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

NOTE:
Your neighbors will unquestionably be grateful for your willingness to share, and even if they don’t ask for more, you should consistently pull this one off without anyone noticing you did it. Remember, it’s always a successful mission if someone else gets credited (or blamed) for your actions.


       how to lay pipe                              how to get through a period
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What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas unless someone you are with takes cell phone pics. After three days and nights in Las Vegas (Las Wages), we were all broke and had to entertain ourselves on the cheap. After using our last free drink ticket at the sports book, watching most of our bets lose by a single point, we stumbled out into the maze that is the casino floor. In one of the many hallways to nowhere, we came across the inspiration for the night, The Rascal!

We came up with the idea to try and take pictures of us in random situations with what ever props we had available at the time. We stopped at the convenience store just outside of the casino to buy some more booze. Our buddy Chris ran in and came out with a bunch of 24 oz cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon; my favorite!


But, from the time we left the casino to the convenience store, we lost Mike — and so we backed tracked, only to find him on the escalator, passed out on it.





We woke Mike up and are plan was back on. We found a statue that looked a lot like a cock and balls, we just had to get a picture of us on it. This is our version of those photo boards you stick your head through, the ones that make you look like you have big muscles or a hot body. Everyone wants a picture that makes you look you have a huge cock — or in Chris’s case, a picture of him getting impaled by a huge white cock.

The police came by and threatened to arrest us for something so we moved on. As we left, Chris did a stunt man slide over the top of their patrol car that thankfully they didn’t see.


We stopped into any casino that had a drink special posted on the outside; $1.00 beers and $2.00 margaritas — “Drink!” — So it all gets a little blurry about what happened next that night out on the Las Vegas strip; as you can see by the diminishing quality of our photos, which is an accurate depiction of our drunkenness.

Via a Facebook Status Update

Tim: Here is a new how to on laying pipe How to Lay Pipe

Jenn: You must know a lot about laying pipe. ; )

Tim: I know a thing or two — Brad and I combined all of our best techniques to create this one awesome how to article.

Brad: The mud is what makes it fun.

Jenn: Ah yes….the lubrication if you will.

Brad: Lubrication? No no no, that’s not the kind of mud I’m talking about.

Tim: No, like mud wrestling. Brad, I couldn’t wait any more to see if Comedy.com would buy anymore how tos like How to Match the Carpets to the Drapes. I had to crank out this post to keep our readers satisfied or they might goes elsewhere for their pee and poop comedy.

Jenn: Oh I get it….wrestling in poop.

Tim: no, you have it all wrong, we don’t make skat how to articles. That’s where we draw the line — unless it’s using that gag fake rubber poop. You might want to try a German porn site. What is your fetish with poop anyways?

Brad: I’m suddenly craving cabbage…

Jenn: I’m just catering to the needs you communicated over the weekend. Remember when you said “more shit pie”?

Tim: What you made didn’t deserve to be called Shepherds Pie, so I renamed it Sheep Shit Pie. turns out I must have been a house fly in a past life because I loved your Sheep Shit Pie.

Jenn: Are you going to hit me now?

Brad: Still craving cabbage…

Tim: Cabbage or do you mean kimchi?

Brad:That’s very racist, you albino turd.

Tim: I have no idea what Kimchi even was, I had to look it up the other time you mentioned it.

Jenn: I’m laughing so hard right now. You guys are so funny.

Brad: There is nothing funny about genuine hatred.

Tim: Brad that’s a bunch of meekrob, I don’t hate you. (South Park; Season 5
It Hits the Fan)

Brad: Meekrob? I’d make a racial food comment back at you, but there’s nothing funny about goddamn hot dogs and beer.

Jenn: Did someone mention wieners?

Tim: What?! The hot dog is the god father of food comedy. food comedy wouldn’t be where it’s at today if it wasn’t for the hot dog’s contributions. The hot dog was so ahead of it’s time that many people were just not ready for all the punch lines that came with inserting big ole meaty sweaty hot dogs into their mouths.

For more funny facebook updates funny facebook updates: grape popsicles

I went to the website of The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien to try and get tickets; knowing I’d never get any, here is how I filled out the request form. The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien ticket request form

Name: Jay Leno
Address: 1151 Tower Rd. Beverly Hills, Ca. 90210
Email: timwinter@tonguetiedtim.com
Ticket Amount: 1 single seat in the very back
Dates: 1/20,1/21 or 1/22/2010
Message to Conan and the Tonight Show Staff:

Conan,

Hi, It’s me Jay. I seem to keep getting canned and I know I’m kinda, sorta dicking you over this time, but — do you think I can sit in on one of your shows so I can learn how to be funny again?

I hope this request finds you well and that there are no hard feelings that I am loved by old white women of middle class America and you are loved by all those young trendsetting youngsters; damn hoodlums!

But seriously Conan, I have become the crazy cat lady and all the neighbor kids now run past my house — as I sit crying naked in my garage full of cars. Please help me get my funny back.

Jay

PS: You looking to sell that green eyed beauty of yours, the 92 Green Ford Taurus? I’ll give her a good home in my collection. I’ll only wash her with the tears of your fans.

Tim: I filed a complaint with HR today; I told them I think the company is racist for making us work on MLK Day and that we were offended by it. Then I pulled the “what do you mean, your people” line; in the end, I got two grape popsicles — two because I made the comment, “Ohh, grape popsicles, of course you knew I wanted grape.” Two popsicles, sweet!

Brad: Yes, HR is giving us all popsicles in lieu of health and dental benefits.

Jenn: Free popsicles so your teeth rot faster….

Matt: Grape popsicles are racist.

Brad: Yet The Tim Winter eating a grape popsicle is feminist.

Jenn: He likes those grape popsicles A LOT. He likes to insert them in places I won’t mention here.

Coco: Who works on MLK day? You work for racists.

Tim: Well, I’m at work but I wouldn’t say that what I do here is considered work; unless you count how I work very hard at making my bosses believe that I’m working. It’s actually rather taxing.

Jenn, you are a bit off in your comment — A grape popsicle is the same thing that the prison doctors gave me to ice my mouth when I had what they called a “freak accident” while in county lock up. Things went in, but it wasn’t me doing the inserting; the popsicles came afterwards.

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How to Lay Pipe


You come from a long line of plumbers. Your dad was one, as was his father and so on; in fact, being a pipe layer is your family’s oldest profession. While growing up, you can recall watching an endless amount of training videos with your dad while your mom was gone on overnight business trips with her boss. For hours, you’d watch countless plumbers arriving at the homes of lonely housewives, offering to fix their pipes. Your dad called it “continuing education.”


To make your father proud, you vowed to become the most hands-on plumber ever. After studying hard at FU (Funk University), you now believe that no job is too big, too hard, too thick, too sweaty, too muddy, or too rough. – But you remain untested and have little real world experience laying the pipe.


Today, the divorced soccer mom across the street needs help with her rusty pipes. You smile, ‘cause as it turns out, her pipes are in pretty good condition considering their age. You were born for this. This is a job you can do yourself; let us show you how to lay pipe.




1) If you want to lay pipe properly, you will need to do some important prep work before you go sticking any pipes into her yard. This might require you to get on your knees and get your hands a little dirty. (Note: it’s quite alright if her pipes got wet in your prep; this will actually help the pipes to slide together easier.)


2) Pick up a section of pipe and grab it firmly. This might require two hands if the girth of your pipe is on the larger side. With your pipe in hand(s), line up your target and get ready to ease it on in. (Note: If you start to get sweaty and hot, feel free to take off your shirt. Housewives love that sort of stuff.)


3) Lay your pipe in the hole and attach the male end to the female end. If you brought the right pipe, it should be a nice, snug fit. If you are concerned about a watertight seal, you should use some protective plumber’s tape to wrap around the end of your pipe. You don’t want any leaks, ‘cause if you don’t do it right, you might hear of a potential problem growing in her yard in about 9 months. It will likely destroy her yard and cost you a lot of money every month to make it right.


4) Theoretically you could lay pipe all day but you don’t want to leave your client’s yard ravaged so once she is satisfied (or you run out of pipe), your job is done! Clean yourself up, wipe the sweat off your brow and make sure you didn’t leave any of your mess behind. Have your client make you a sandwich, have a smoke, and then take a nap.




If you thought this was mildly amusing, read the post that started it all, How to Pitch a Tent

Plain Jane: There was a man lurking outside the house I’m watching tonight.

Tim: lurking but not jerking? ahhh, the fine line of legal stalking.

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Jenn: At what point can we stop saying “Happy New Year”?

Tim:  Happy Ending!!!! that’s what we should say right before New Years.

Jenn:  Nice. I support that. I support Happy Endings in general. ; )

Tim:  Even when you go through an entire bottle of lube, your grip weakens, and you can really feel the burn in your forearms….How those little Asian women do it, is beyond me.

Jenn:  Why don’t you ask them the next time?

Tim:  I thought we were done with this! You said you moved on. I’m sorry I got a few handies from a few masseuses while on business in Korea — Town. If it makes you feel any better, it was a business expense and I wrote it off — so if you think about it, it really never even happened.

Brad: Uh, Tim… there are no women in Koreatown.

Tim: That makes so much sense! I did say it was like magic and that it felt like there were three or four hands giving me the massages. I just thought they were really good at it. I think I’m going to be sick.

Brad: Damn, and you just recovered from food poisoning, too… by the way, did your “Extremely Little Timmy” (as you call it) smell like kimchee afterward?

Jenn: Brad: the truth is Tim is as big as an Anaconda. He just likes to downplay it cause he knows you’d be all atwitter with excitement if you knew the truth. I’ve never met you in person but the thought of you all “atwitter” is funny. Especially if it were over Tim’s massive weiner.

Brad: I just vomited in my mouth. So basically, Tim and that Ken doll had virtually nothing in common.

Jenn: Well, besides dazzling good looks and a hot body, no?

Brad: I don’t think we’re talking about the same The Tim Winter.

Jenn: He hasn’t chimed in yet…..wait for it…wait for it…..

Tim: On our first date I accidentally broke her glasses and gave her a mild concussion after I thought it would be funny to trip her down some stairs (an epic fail post for my blog)….. She must have some brain damage because she now thinks she is dating a plastic Ken doll who owns an anaconda…. It’s a good thing that only her opinion of me matters…which happens to be quite a fantasy. works for me.

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