Tongue Tied Tim

Tim: I don’t see the problem with regifting a gift from last year. It sat under my bed unopened and is only slightly damaged. So what if I regifted the gift to my new girlfriend of four months. I’m broke with a crappy job, it was either that or a pearl necklace — woooo!!

Brad: I’m gonna wait for her to comment before I chime in with my two cents. Ah, screw it. If she prefers your regift over McDonald’s gift certificates, then you win. If she doesn’t… EPIC FAIL, dude.

Ann: I’m not waiting to hear from your girlfriend on this one. TIM! That’s not very cool unless you go for the necklace too! Bad BOY!

Brad: Tim… you’re a boy? What? Why do you wear a sports bra to work?

Tim: The gift was at one time worth $150 but I had no use for it and I couldn’t sell it on Craigslist; so I gave it to her. Brad, I wear the Bro* because I need the extra support. My doctor said it was ergonomic like those keyboards. (*Seinfeld: s6: e18)

The Girlfriend: I’m going to use the photo printer he regifted to me to print photos he took of the pearl necklace he also gave me. Woo!

Another funny status update funny facebook updates: jokestrap

Tongue Tied Tim: A new How-to I’m thinking about doing: “how to adjust a slipping tranny” (read a how-to: how to get through your first period, how to drop the kids off at the pool)

Brad: Huh? What’s there to “adjust”? I’d just let them fall.

Tim: As in how do you hide the frank and beans and stop from slipping out? Is there a type of joke strap or something, if so, how much does it cost?

Tim: Joke = Jock — I think I’ll invent the joke strap.

Jenn: Isn’t that what a cock ring is for? Wait….that doesn’t seem right…

Tim: Joke with your new coworkers and make them think you are a woman — after you suck him off — release the strap — everyone will get a huge laugh out if it — “Ohh, snap! She is a He — ahhh funny you got me. you got me good! lol”

Brad: Or a LITTLE laugh, depending on the person.

Tim: Jenn the cock ring was all I could afford — think of it as a sort of promise ring.

Brad: Jenn has a cock?! Maybe one of you needs the jokestrap.

Tim: Jokestrap. all rights reserved.

Brad: Get the ShamWow guy to sell it after he’s done battering another woman.

Jenn: No cock here. I’m all crack. Hmmm…that doesn’t sound right either.

Brad: Tim like crack

Tim: Jenn is from Canada where the government will pay for you to get your cock and balls whacked off.

Brad: Ooooh, so that’s how she lost hers!

Tim: Proper whacked off that is.

read more status updates: funny facebook updates: marriage proposal, funny facebook updates: coworkers

AHhhh!! I just gave myself a dutch oven in my snow globe cubicle….that was a bad idea….can’t breath….please send for help….I’m going to get close to the ground and try to feel my way out of here……ohh god!!

See work cubicle snow globe

Tongue Tied Tim: Is there anything worse than proposing to your gf while she is on the toilet — after you took her to the all you can eat chili bar? or you yourself leaving a floater in the toilet with a ring sticking out of it? — Wait until she comes home — a double surprise — the sports fanatic jumbotron guy ain’t got shit on this other guy.

Plain Jane: gross!

Jenn:  A moment you’d want to NEVER remember. Especially the “you’ve got to dig it out yourself” part.

Brad: Tim… stop making fun of me.

Jenn: Wow Brad….she must really love you.

Brad: Well… she DID. I don’t get it, Tim said it would work like a Charmin.

Tim: Brad, what I told you to do was to place the ring in the bowl — A FISH BOWL with floating candles — not in the toilet bowl on a floating turd — and I said, “that shit would be charming.”

Brad:  Oh. Well, damn. At least the chili bar was good.

Tim: I literally just laughed out loud — I also told you to take her to a “chill” bar — where did you even find a chili bar?

Brad: Compton. Incidentally, they were taping an episode of “Survivor” where we ate.

Tim: ahhh, yes — Survivor Compton. It’s an urban version since they ran out of islands — how that bald white guy has lasted so long, I’ll never know.

Another Tim and Brad funny status update rambling funny facebook updates: coworkers

Another competition I signed up for during my work’s holiday party was Healthiest Dessert. Having blown my budget on my snow globe office cubicle — no, no, that wasn’t even the reason for my submissions, I just thought it was funny. I kind of hoped that I could get enough laughs from it and that people would think it was too funny not to vote for it; people did laugh but not enough to win a prize. But seriously, what’s healthier than these?

For our year end company holiday party we held a competition that included the category best decorated cubicle. After seeing that the prizes included a couple of Wii, iPods, Digital cameras, two bikes and other gifts worth around $200, I decided that I would sign up for a few competitions. I set a budget of $30 and and this is how I spent it.




I took first prize and won myself a Wii. Now to sell if for the much needed cash. $200 for a brand new Wii w/ Wii sports

The Pregame Mental Speech (PMS)

Everyone has been calling you little girls for years — but enough is enough — today you become women. So ladies — hike up your skirts and strap on your pads; it’s time to get ready for a bloody fight! —-Remember to stay hydrated; we don’t need any cramping up out there.

Start of First Period

Min 2: Goal Japan; backhand by Menstruate; assist by Uterine-Lining


Min 6: Goal Japan; by Flow, through the five hole (between the legs).










You find yourself in a losing battle against a far superior team. This has caught you off guard and what was thought to be a friendly match is turning messy. Your only shot to slow the bleeding is to send in your enforcer to take out their top scorer.





1) Throw down your gloves and stick.




















2) Pull your opponents jersey over their head and punch away.




















3) Go to the penalty box and clean yourself up.

End of Period

Team Japan: 5 — Regina Red Wings: 0


There is no hiding how bad you look – forfeit the match, go home and hide in shame – but get ready, because in 30 days you have your next bloody battle.

I want to buy a short bus so I can be a taxi driver for large groups. I’d wear a helmet of course, a name tag written in crayon with a phone number to call in case I get lost, drool constantly and keep repeating, “where’s the bus driver.”

It’s okay, I can make jokes like this – I used to date a ra-tard. you will never guess why they really wear helmets. let’s just say, she was a freak in bed. like an elephant seal in the water, you’d never know that they could hardly walk on land.

Plus I think I’m like 1/16th ra-tard — but NO! when I applied for minority scholarships in college, I didn’t receive any of them. what ever, so I had to have at least 1/8th of a minority to be considered – but if I were an 1/8th ra-tard, I would’nt have needed those scholarships because I wouldn’t have even made it into college. typical!

With the holidays approaching, I’m reminded of a Christmas story from last year. As I’ve mentioned before, I spend a lot of time with the stay-at-home-moms club and their families. Each year we have a Christmas exchange party where we enjoy drinks and watch the kids open presents, etc. As I am the only single one at this party, we always seem to discuss who my future boyfriend will be. My beautiful friend, Skinny Bitch (SB), and her husband, Bruce, decided they had found the man just for me. Jerry, Bruce’s co-worker, was a young (23), attractive (says Bruce) guy who worked in the auto body shop. Now, usually I like my men a little older-though not quite as old as old balls- but I was willing to give it a go. Bruce took my picture with his camera phone to show to Jerry. Mistake number 1: My photo was taken with a new pair of stripper shoes I had just gotten for Christmas from SB (at the time we were enrolled in a pole dancing class).

A few days later I got a text from Jerry telling me that Bruce gave him my number and that he would like to take me out (again with the fucking text!). Jerry and I text back and forth maybe 4 times and I think I said he needed to send me a pic of him since he saw a pic of me and it was only fair. I can remember this clear as day-I was sitting in front of the pole dancing class waiting for it to start when I got an MMS from Jerry… he was shirtless! After I burst out laughing at such a ridiculous picture I told Jerry I had to go. That I was too busy to go out with him when he had suggested so he should just try me again another time. I showed SB the picture when she got to class and she was angry that her husband could set me up with a spray tan douche bag that sends half naked pictures to girls.

About a week later I got another text from Jerry. He wanted to know if I was interested in going out with him and a bunch of his guy friends on a Friday night. I told him that I couldn’t go out…that I wouldn’t be able to go out for a long time-I was pregnant! I have no idea where this thought came from but it seemed like a very reasonable thing to do to get this dude off my back. He wrote back, “are you serious? That sucks.” As I giggled with glee that he would believe such a thing I wrote back that it was in fact true and that I didn’t know what I was going to do. He then replied (this is all 100% true and not exaggerated, by the way), “as a guy I’d tell you to just get rid of it because that’s the easy thing to do. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to call me.” OK, really? I have never even met you and you think I’m going to call you for advice about what I should do about my presumably illegitimate baby? I thanked him and told him I’d figure it out.

As soon as I finished texting him I called Bruce and SB to tell them what I did so that they could confirm my story. Just as I thought, Jerry asked Bruce if he thought it was true. Bruce, being the awesome friend that he is to me, lied and said that he thought I was dating some random dude so that it could definitely be true. Months later my name came up in conversation again between Bruce and Jerry and Bruce told him I had had an abortion since I didn’t know who the father was.

I later found out that Jerry wanted me to go with him and his friends to a strip club that night. I guess since I was taking a pole dancing class he thought it reasonable to take me out for a steak and some vagina for our first date. Turns out that’s not the same thing…

Note: I was very intoxicated when I wrote this

I live in a state where you are either a State fan or you’re not. The intensity and hatred over this rivalry causes me a lot of grief since most of my friends went to State and I went to the University. Tonight I went to a bar with Emily and The Doctor along with several University friends to watch the game and have a few beers. The game was back and forth point for point for much of the game. Anytime State would score a TD, I would crumple up my recently drained PBR tall boy and throw it at the TV. At some point after we scored a touch down, I decided I needed to do another high kick in front of the TV where everyone was watching (yes, I’m a wannabe cheerleader and bust out my old high school moves). I pulled my jeans up since the last time I did the kick I felt my jeans pull in the right groin region and it really limited my extension. As soon as that right foot reached for the air, my left foot left the ground. I was airborne. Both legs were extended in the air with a crowd of State and University fans watching. The next thing I knew I landed directly on my tailbone. Fuck, did that hurt my ass. I lay there for a minute debating what I should do while I looked at the concerned faces of my friends. It turns out the loud “thump” they heard (and the dramatic way I flew into the air and landed) lead them to believe that I had hit my head. One friend rushed over to assess me (she recently took a CPR class) for a spinal cord injury before pulling me upright. In the end, my team beat State, but I was not allowed to move from my seat (where I was tied in with my own sweatshirt) until the game was over. Kroz, my college roommate, was kind enough to bring my beer to my mouth to let me continue drinking… unfortunately she poured much of it down my shirt so now I looked like a total mess. As a side note, Kroz brought her own Yerba Mate with her to the bar to use as mixers. She ordered glass after glass of $4 bacardi which she splashed Mate into. Seems pretty ironic to me that I’m the drunken mess of the evening.

After the game was over, we left the bar and ran into some state fans in the parking lot. I was dying for a cigarette so I asked them if they had one. They told me no and asked if I was a University fan. I didn’t answer and tried to close my coat so they couldn’t see my T-shirt. They said if I was wiling to sleep with the guy who was driving away, then I could get a smoke. I quickly replied I was not going to have sex with anyone for a cigarette. They responded with, “come on, you’re not that good looking!” Are you fucking serious!? What a bunch of fraternity dicks! I told those boys that I wasn’t some slut like the State girls, and I certainly wasn’t going to sleep with some douche bag for a smoke…they had me confused (as a note, my girlfriends from State are not slutty, but MANY of the girls that go to State are). After I walked away smokeless I realized just how ridiculous those boys were. Did they seriously think that was how to treat a lady (even one that fell on her ass and swore in front of a bar)? I guess I won’t be having one of those boys rubbing my ass tonight… a pack of ice will have to do. Now I must eat my turkey sandwich and pass out…

Update: the following morning I was told that I had slipped on a small amount of beer that was on the floor. The beer came from the cans that I was smashing and throwing at the TV. I’d say that was karma smacking me in the ass.

Update 2: Apparently this is the second year in a row that I’ve done this at the rivalry game. I was told that I fell off a stage last year when I got overly excited about the win. I didn’t want to believe this at first but a guy I don’t even know (but I must have met at last years game) immediately remembered me as the girl who fell when we met again this year. I guess it has to be true.