Tongue Tied Tim

So I wish I could say that my date with Officer Leo was magical or romantic or even entertaining…but it just wasn’t. Before we went out I got a lot of advice from my friend and boss, Emily. She told me no kissing on the first date (because apparently we aren’t doing that anymore?), not to wear anything too hot, not to wear too much make-up and that I probably should take a shower and wash my hair first. I followed some of her advice, but not all…it’s hard to get ready for a date and not want to look your best. June text me earlier that day too- wanted to know if I was anxious, excited or nervous. I felt none of those things… well, except I was feeling a sick to my stomach from the bad soup I ate for lunch… it was almost as if I had nervous diarrhea prior to the date.

Anyway, Officer Leo was very prompt in picking me up. We walked up the street to the restaurant where he had made reservations. It was finally while we were in the restaurant that I got a good look at him. He was wearing a short-sleeve button up shirt tucked into light washed, snug fitting jeans. His jeans weren’t like the skinny jeans guys wear now- tight through the hips and thighs all the way to the ankle. These were like bad dad jeans- really just tight in the crotch showing off his balls. I believe Lindsay Lohan’s dad, Michael, wears the exact same pair. If it weren’t for his horrible outfit, it would be hard to tell that he’s 20 years older than me…that is until he opened his mouth.

Officer Leo and I mostly engaged in small talk- nothing memorable. One thing I do recall was his repeatedly asking me about healthcare reform and other political topics. As soon as I began to speak on these topics he would get a look on his face like it was painful to listen to me. At one point he actually covered his ears. Any factual statement I made he would pipe in with, “allegedly” which was pretty annoying.

Dinner and wine were delicious. I ordered dessert because, well, I knew I wasn’t paying. He assisted me putting my coat on when we were leaving the restaurant, which was quite charming I thought. He walked me to my door and didn’t even attempt a hug (which I felt slightly relieved about). He asked me if I’d like to go to dinner again so I agreed. I still really want to get that shooting range date in. Since Thursday he’s called and text me but I have yet to respond…we’ll see when I get around to it.

This date with Officer Leo brought back so many memories of past dates I’ve been on with old balls- there was The Rock, Big Red, and PH (pseudo heterosexual). Soon I’ll fill you in on the highlights from those experiences…

War of the Roses

The Oregon Ducks versus the Oregon State Beavers — Civil War Week, 2009 — Let the shit talking begin! — Winner takes all in a royal rumble, knock out, drag down football game at Autzen Stadium — For all the Roses and a ticket to Pasadena for the Grand Daddy of them all — The Rose Bowl.

Outside a Dive Bar

Inside a Dive Bar

another stupid lame pun pic Inuit-eskimo totem pole

I have a friend who is the epitome of a modern-day June Cleaver. She is one of my many stay-at-home-mom friends. June and her husband, “the cop”, have three small children and have been married since we were fresh out of High School. June often invites me over for dinner with her family (and since she is such a great cook, I usually make the 45 minute drive to her house). This summer I went to the Cleavers for a casual dinner party. I thought it was just going to be the Cleavers, myself and another couple, but the cop ended up inviting a few of his buddies from the force too. Turns out June was setting me up with Jimmy, a very young and immature single dad who we later find out dates 18 year old girls, but I had no idea until I realized we were the only singles there. The way I remember this party going was me talking about my political beliefs-as this was just at the climax of the Obama/McCain election-with a crowd that is clearly on the conservative side and then feeling like an asshole for even getting into this losing battle. Oh, and did I mention 2 of the 4 guys there were former military men? Jimmy at one point even said to me, I’m not trying to say anyone here is a liberal, but… this was all in a very derogatory and accusatory tone as if I were a baby killer or something. Needless to say, I didn’t think I made a great impression. But apparently that didn’t matter because later that night Jimmy asked June if I was “crazy” or not because he wanted to get my number. So I guess conflicting views and a personality doesn’t matter in a woman to this guy.

Now fast-forward to September or so when I get a call from June asking me if she can give Jimmy my phone number. Apparently his romance with the 18 year old didn’t work out so well (I can’t imagine why?) and I was some girl placed on the back burner for when he had nothing else to do. I tell June to go ahead and give it to him because I’d really like to go to the cop shooting range and learn how to fire a pistol (and I almost never say no to a free dinner). Jimmy ends up TEXTING me WEEKS later. After a few texts back and forth he writes, well, call me sometime if you want to go out. Umm, no! Really, when did that become OK? It’s not cool to 1. Text messages a girl instead of calling and 2. Tell me to call him if I want to go out. Please buddy, I was just being polite when I agreed to give you my number. A guy needs to pick up the fucking phone with a place, time, and a plan in mind if he wants to take me out. Just for the record, I never called Jimmy for our date.

This brings us up to this week. I guess the other “single” guy at the dinner party (he showed up with a date) has been thinking about me since and wants to take me out too. He went to the cops birthday dinner a few weeks ago and asked June if he could have my number. OK, seriously, what the hell are these guys thinking? Once again I agreed to give him my number- I mean, I never got my chance at the shooting range. So, Leonard, being the older more mature man that he is, called me and asked me to dinner for tonight. My best friend, Rhea (also part of the stay-at-home-moms club), met Leonard at the cops birthday and swears to me this guy is not my type. Based on our phone conversation (one in which I essentially talked to myself for an hour) I think she may be right…and it doesn’t help that I have no recollection of what he looks like-which is never a good sign. I guess we’ll see how things go tonight…

(status update) Plain Jane: Sorry girls, but it looks like another Winter boy is taken — Tim has a girlfriend! Rob and Mike are still available to the highest bidder though. Sorry Tim.

J: Any Winter women available?

Plain Jane: Yes, this woman is available — and since I don’t have any sisters, this is your only option.

tongue tied tim: Jane, yes it’s true. she is Canadian and you wouldn’t know her — and WTF? — before you go and tell everyone I’m taken, I’d like to let this girl know that I am actually dating her — I’ve been dating her for months now but she doesn’t know it yet.

J: Not a bad option — Is there any estate or wealth attached? (might be a deal breaker)

Plain Jane: there is a small amount of wealth…unless my parents blow it all in Vegas.

tongue tied tim: There is no money! Being their favorite child, I will be getting all the inheritance — as well as that yellow tea set you like so much Jane.

J: No tea set, no deal.

tongue tied tim: J, by all means take Laura but the tea set – well – it will be hard to part with — but then again, she already has “dibs” on it anyway. We’ve talked about it at ever holiday dinner for the last five years — right in front of our parents — who are still very alive and very well. We’ve even mentioned going around the house and placing our names on everything we want to claim.

J: I’ve never laid eyes on this tea set, but I know I need to have it!

tongue tied tim (much later): Jane and the tea set will be going to J for an undisclosed amount and a six pack of PBR. A car will be by to pick you up at 8 am.

another status update with Plain Jane: funny facebook updates: beneficiary

another funny facebook conversation funny facebook updates: terrorists

At my eye exam today, my optometrist asked me if I wanted to try a new type of contact lens because mine were outdated — 3 years since my last exam and not know what new breakthroughs have been made, I asked him if I could either get the X-Ray Vision or Cyclops laser ones. He didn’t think it was funny (Maybe he gets that all the time like the girls at Subway get the foot long penis joke) — Then while reading the chart, and trying not to laugh, I read the letters, S..H..I…T..B..R…E..A…T…H — take the hint Doc.

Reasons to get an eye exam; to see exactly what you are getting yourself into before it’s too late because nobody likes a tease; to see all your options clearly because you don’t want to make the wrong shity choice.

Brad: Why are we working, who the hell works on Veterans Day

Tim: Terrorist do – which means we all must be a bunch of terrorists.” –hmm, the occupation of terrorist sure is a thankless one. They work just as hard, work weekends too but no holiday for them? The better they are at thier jobs, the more the people hate them

Brad: I hate you, Tim Winter.

Danny: If no one works on Veterans day, that means Bin Laden has won!!!

Tim: Notice the angry tone of Brad’s reply. If that doesn’t prove that he himself is a terrorist, you can just as easily look at the color of his skin and ask your self, is it white? If the answer is no, he’s probably a terrorist — but the end all to determine if he is one or not is to look at his last name. In Brad’s case it surely does not sound like the last name of a white guy — therefore he must be a terrorist — plus he is working on Veterans day!!!

Tim: Bin Laden? I haven’t heard that name in about 6 years. How is old Osama these days? How about his cave? Is it feng shui yet? I told him to add a fish tank in the entryway for good luck and that his prayer rug should face the other way even though Mecca is not in that direction. He stopped returning my calls.

Try funny facebook updates: coworkers

Originating from our coworker buddy’s status update about his recent movie review on Lock, Stock, and Two Film Geeks. Ahh, you got to love the randomness of the reply button and how we feed off each other’s stupidity for the next random thing to say.

James: It’s review day at Lock, Stock, and Two Film Geeks. This week we review Four Rooms, the fractured film by Quentin Tarantino, Robert Rodriguez, and friends.

Tim: have you ever thought about adding, either a thumbs up/down a rating/stars or something of that nature to the top of your reviews? something in bold to tell us readers right away if you liked it or not.

James: The thought has crossed my mind, but then you wouldn’t have to read it, now, would you?

Brad the topic killer: Tim, I think you and I should start a similar site where we review co-workers and later comment on each other’s assessment.

Tim: Today we will review the content orders submitted by James as well as his odd bathroom habits. Tomorrow we will review the annoying guy who sits next to…

Brad: James doesn’t wash his hands after using the bathroom. At least four girls in this office have told me that so far. And yes, we must review the annoying piece of gutter trash that sits next to…

James: Thanks guys. Let’s spread that rumor.

Philip: That is 400% funny you guys. I broke a funny fuse.

Tim: Brad — you did say four girls, right? — That’s right people, James uses the Womens restroom; apparently he got a doctors note that states he has a weak bladder. Since the womens room is closer than the mens, he uses the womens. James is awesome.

Brad: Yes, four girls. Meaning, James sits down when he pees. Meaning, James doesn’t wash his hands after wiping himself in the women’s restroom. That’s why they call him “Goux.”

Tim: Another funny little factoid about James that our views might not know. One of Jame’s favorite things to do at work is to take all the left overs in the fridge. Word on the street is that he uses those left overs to pick up homeless chicks on the drive home from work. Is he trying to hookup or simply use the carpool lane? we may never know.

Brad: James also has a midget fetish. And he has swine flu.

Here is another funny facebook updates: beneficiary.

This is only bad advice if one of your guy friends calls you out on it; otherwise it’s pretty damn awesome in a sort of funny lame way.

I Just realized that for the last 9 months, I have essentially been carrying around a purse. I came to that conclusion today when I had the thought about how nice it is to be able to carry around random things in my lunch bag. What’s in there right now: pens, gum, post it notes, candy, phone, keys, aspirin, usb drive, eye drops, napkins mints and food. OMG, WTF where is my MAC makeup kit and all my tampons.

Yeah it’s pretty funny, go ahead an laugh at me and my silly man purse.

Plain Jane

First, there are few things you should know- I am not a writer and I am not trying to become one. I am not  hoping some famous author or publishing house reads my work and signs me for some three-book-deal  where I fly all across the country reading excerpts from my incredibly witty and sexy books to perfect strangers  in small coffee houses on my book signing tour. No, that’s not my deal. I am not going to write grammatically  correct sentences (unless you want to edit for me) either. I cannot even guarantee everything will be spelled  correctly. I mean, I will probably make up words on occasion. You should expect to read a lot of dirty  language as I feel I cannot adequately express myself without using the word fuck.  So, with that being said,  I’ll get on with it…


I am nearly 28 years old and living in the dreary Pacific Northwest. Two months ago I moved out of my parents house where I had been cohabitating with them for the last two years. Before living with my folks, I was down in San Diego for a few years. If you’ve ever been to San Diego then you’ll know how much fun and craziness goes on down there. A bad break-up and a serious lack of money drove me back north to my childhood home. Since then I have been single, and as of recently so are a few of my friends (yay for me finally!).  Though, I once read that this city is one of the worst places to be single so I don’t know how great it is to add more girls to my dating pool.


Anyway, so what is this about? What should my readers expect? I don’t really know. Mostly I will write about ridiculous dates I’ve been on (and will be going on), my part-time house-sitting job, stupid people and anything that evokes an emotional response in me really. Whatever I feel like, I guess… but the main thing is that it will be funny (even if it’s just to me).



Editor’s Note: Contrary to her pen name, we want to emphasis that there is nothing plain about Jane; she is a very funny and hilarious girl. We think you will get a good laugh out of her funny and entertaining posts. We offer a money back guarantee, so If you don’t laugh out loud at least once, we will send you your money back.