Posted October 30th, 2009 by tongue tied tim
Posted October 27th, 2009 by tongue tied tim
I’ve done a lot of stupid and idiotic things throughout my lifetime and I have the battle scars to prove it. In my defense, some of the scar are due to having a bit of bad luck or simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Then again, I do have a few scars that could have been entirely avoided if it wasn’t for a few too many adult beverages, shots of Jager and Pabst Blue Ribbon. I know Drunk and stupid is no way to go through life; it kind of hurts.
Just to make it clear, I’m not a future Darwin Award recipient or anything; I’ve learned from my stupidity and really, none of my injuries have been all that life threatening. So feel free to laugh guilt free at my expense. It’s all still fun and games since I haven’t poked my eye out yet.
My Medical Record
Injury/cause/age
RED text denotes an injury involving alcohol
1) Concussion/ I fell off the back of a picnic table and hit my head on the concrete patio/ 7.
2) 20 stitches/ I was wrestling in the living room with my brothers and hit the corner of the brick fireplace/ 7.
3) 10 stitches/ I was jumping on the couch when one of my brothers pushed me off and I hit corner of the brick fireplace/ 8.
4) 13 stitches/ I was wrestling in the living room with my brothers and hit the corner of the brick fireplace. This is not a repeat, this really happened twice and three times has that damn fireplace been the cause for getting stitches. I guess I was a slow learner/ 9.
5) Lost tooth/ During Memorial Day weekend at Lake Havasu I jumped off a house boat with a rope in my mouth in an attempt to tie up to another boat. the rope was a few feet too short for the dive I took. It ripped out of my mouth along with a tooth. Don’t ask me why I put a rope in my mouth, I had been drinking all day – I was drunk and stupid/ 26.
6) Chipped tooth/ My brother punched me in the mouth after I threw a piece of paper at him – yes a piece of paper. see blood is thicker than water for the full story and yes we were drunk and stupid/ 30.
7) Cracked vertebrae/ I was hanging out on the roof when some idiot told me to jump off – I told him to go fuck himself which made him mad – He talked shit and I talked back – For some reason I accepted his invitation to fight and we somehow met in the living room of the party we were at – Three of them against one of me and an empty bottle of Jack Daniels – I threw that at one of them while one of them rushed up and punched me – I grabbed his shirt collar to square him up for a punch when I tripped backwards over something – I hit my C1 vertebrae on the edge of a coffee table – The fight got broken up and we went on with our nights – The next day when I sobered up I felt the pain and it still hurts even to this day/ 24.
8 ) Chipped tooth/ I was playing basketball when I got elbowed in the mouth/ 23.
9) 8 stitches/ On the playground was where I spent most of my recess runnin’ out slidin’ swingin’ all cool, climbing on the jungle gym when a couple of guys who were up to no good and started making trouble in my sandbox. I got pushed down on the blacktop and my mom got scared/ 6.
10) Cracked Ribs/ I decided that I could walk along the top of a wrought iron fence that surrounded the pool at my parents house. I had done it a million times but sooner or later I was bound to fall – it just happened that my ribs landed on the top of the fence/ 12.
11) 5 stitches/ I was climbing a garden fence when I slipped and cut my thumb on a piece of metal/ 8.
12) Torn tendons/ While walking from one party to another, I found the one hole in the grass median we were walking on. I caught my foot (see # 20) and fell down. As I attempted to catch myself, I extended my hand out which resulted in all my fingers being bent backwards. It hurt for about 4 months. I wasn’t all that drunk/ 28.
13) Cracked tail bone/ We made a zip line from one tree to another and the plastic bucket we rigged as a seat broke while I was going for a ride. I landed right on my ass and was walking funny for weeks/ 13.
14) Deep cut/ I probably should have gotten stitches for this one but didn’t and I still have the scar. At work while bussing tables I grabbed for some coffee mugs when one of them fell – out of reaction, I went to catch it but was about a second to late and instead caught it on the bounce back up after it shattered. The force of my hand going downwards continued down to the floor which created a deep gash down to the bone on my thumb as a jagged shard dug through my thumb. This one hurt the worst/ 17.
15) Broken finger, 13 stitches and nerve damage/ I was at a party when some drunk idiot kicked shut the door I was trying to open. It was a metal door and the kick was pretty forceful. My index finger got caught in the door and it was nearly severed – There was blood everywhere and I almost passed out because the pain was so bad – The guy felt really bad so I forgave him – My buddies wrapped it up and we went to the ER. Apparently my brother stayed behind, broke a beer bottle on the fireplace in the living room and was threatening to stab the guy with it – I think we all a little too drunk and stupid that night and I have the the jacked up finger to prove it. The finger cast of sorts that I had to wear for a over a month got me a lot of attention from the ladies but it sure was difficult to write every essay during my final exams. (see the real and rather graphic pics finger v. door – thumbs up)/ 24.
16) tendonitis/ My brother threw a hairbrush at me knee and it hit my knee. I’d have rather been hit in the face with it because I wouldn’t have had to sit out injuried for most of the track season during my senior year in high school/ 18.
17) Shin splints/ I was running cross county in college/ 20.
18) Stress fracture/ I was running track in college/ 21.
19) Twisted ankle/ I was drunk and stupid at a party when I twisted my ankle walking out the front door. The front door had no first step – Instead of the first step being level or a step out, it was a step down. When I expected to hit a step, I fell down a half a foot and rolled my ankle. Not funny – to add insult to injury, I also dropped my last beer/ 20.
20) Torn tendons/ When I tried to catch myself from falling, my foot got twisted in the hole that I had stepped in. It hurt really bad; which at the time, only let me know that I wasn’t nearly drunk enough yet. I hobbled around to a few parties and tried to drink the pain away. It too hurt for the next four months/ 28.
21) Broken foot/ While working a banquet I dropped a rack of glasses on the top of my foot. I didn’t think it was broken so I never filled out an accident report – it was broken though and it took nearly a year before it felt better. It still hurts from time to time when it’s cold out/ 26.
22) It’s only a matter of time….
Posted October 23rd, 2009 by tongue tied tim
How to Get to the Center of a Lollipop in 265 Steps
Who has the patience to lick a lollipop for this long – just to be able to answer the question: How many lick does it take to get to the center of a lollipop. That owl was wise beyond his years, It just isn’t worth all this effort to sit and lick, roughly 265 times, to get to the center of it. There are a few things that are worthy of licking repeatedly for this long – this just isn’t one of them – save all that licking for your girlfriend – case closed.
Other funny how to articles how to pitch a tent and how to match the carpets to the drapes
Posted October 21st, 2009 by tongue tied tim
via a Facebook Status Update
Plain Jane: Tim, you better call me ASAP if you want to be my beneficiary on my life insurance policy.
tongue tied tim: Is this just another one of your scam to get my SS# and other personal info? Anyway, I left my phone at home so send me an email.
Plain Jane: Too late, fortunately for you, mom had all your info so she gave it to me. Don’t try and kill me though… I only have a 25k policy. Well, actually, if there is an accidental death and/or dismemberment, you get an additional 50K. For your sake, lets hope that’s they way I go out. All the money goes to you, Timmy. You can decide to share or not to share with the others… it all falls on your shoulders.
tongue tied tim: Wow, that’s great; that’s very nice of you. How can we speed up this process so I can get paid – Come on, I’ll split it with you.
more funny facebook updates funny facebook updates: plus the tea set
Posted October 19th, 2009 by tongue tied tim
If I had a nickel for every grammar error, misspelled word or awkward sounding sentence found in the content of this blog, I’d have a lot of money; too bad that’s not a real option for monetizing a website. Just pretend that I’m sending you this in an IM message since all the rules of grammar are thrown out. Better yet, pretend that I’m sending you this via IM and that I’m also drunk; I usually am. Do you really think a sober person could have my awkward life?
Posted October 18th, 2009 by tongue tied tim
If you are like me, you don’t function well until you have your morning cup of coffee. Sometime you might be a little cranky and really just want to be left alone for the first 15 minutes of the work day; before someone asks you about your weekend or the status of that report that’s due later on this week. Forget about getting one of those coffee mugs with phrases like, “I hate Mondays.” – What you need is a coffee mug that will give your coworkers the impression that approaching you would be a bad idea.
If those coffee mugs are not safe for work (NSFW), take a look at these; safe for work but still annoying. I call them annoying status update mugs. If your coworkers insist on bothering you so early in the morning, the least you can do is make them regret it. Maybe next time they will give you your space and let you drink your morning coffee in peace.
Posted October 17th, 2009 by tongue tied tim
I used to worked with this one older lady and during our holiday party she got me all liquored up on shots of Jager. She convinced a few of us to go back to her place for an after hours party. We were all too drunk to drive home so we decided to all crash at her place. Seeing how she bought me all those shots, I pretty much had to put out. Plus I wanted to sleep in a bed and not on the floor. Early the next morning she got up to get her son up to got to school; high school. That’s not the worst of it – she also had a son who was my age too. but it gets better – apparently I used to run against him in college – He may have beaten me in every race we competed in but I think I got the last laugh. now I’m the mother #$&#@ not him.
another drinking related work story raffle for a date
Posted October 17th, 2009 by tongue tied tim
In college I had a part time job as banquet bartender at a hotel. The majority of my coworkers were students and we frequently spent long hours together; including our Friday and Saturday nights. This led to your typical inter office hook ups and after hours drinking into the early morning hours.
On a Saturday night while bar tending an event with a light drinking crowd, I came up with a novel idea to hold a raffle after I found a roll of raffle tickets in a storage closet; the winning prize would of course be a date with me. I made my rounds around the hotel and gave a ticket to every girl in the banquets department. It didn’t matter if they were single or taken, they all got a ticket.
At the end of the night I drew the wining ticket and the girl who won was definitely not single. Many of the girls thought I was joking and threw their tickets away but not this girl. I told her I could draw another ticket ( I wanted to so I could go out with a single girl) but she said no. She called me out and told me I would have to take her out.
We decided on a night and came to an agreement to allow another one of her girl friends to go with us so that her boyfriend wouldn’t think it was weird. We met up for drinks at a bar and using my financial aid money, we began to get drunk. We skipped dinner altogether and somehow met up with another coworker and another friend who just recently became single. The group count stood at: two single guys, one single girls, a just recently single girl and a girl with a boy friend.
We went to another bar and had a few more drinks. It was getting late but none of use were ready to call it a night so we all went back to the girl’s house who had the boyfriend. We played a few drinking games; it turned into a game of making out. I don’t know how but it did. My make out count stood at: one single girl, one recently single girl and yes one girl with a boyfriend.
Since we were all too drunk to drive home, we all crashed at her place. In the morning I woke up half naked in a bed with a girl who had a boyfriend. what the hell, how did that happen? I don’t know but what I do know is that my raffle was a huge success. Well, that was until her boy friend, who also happens to work with us, finds out about his girl friend’s actions. That made for some very awkward moments at work.
Lesson 1: If you are going to throw a raffle for a date with yourself, don’t give any raffle ticket to any girls with boy friends — technically, if something does happen, it’s not like you are the one cheating but it is frowned upon. Don’t worry, Karma got me back when it hooked me up with an OCD girl who couldn’t keep her legs closed either — lesson 2: don’t be “that guy”
Another drinking related work story mother #$@%$#
Posted October 16th, 2009 by tongue tied tim
Was it wrong for me to think that what my sister really got me was one of her girlfriends for Christmas.
No way she only got me a stupid sweater. Supposedly her friend was celebrating Christmas with our family because she couldn’t afford to travel back east to visit her family. That’s BS, she has a good job and I think she could have paid for that trip; she obviously wanted to spend time with me.
and so what if I cut a hole at the end of her stocking and tried to pull the ole hole in the bottom of the popcorn trick. Some people just can’t take a joke. Turns out it was my brother stocking; — awkward! (parts of this story are true. I’ll let you decide which parts.)
the same girl in this post hooking up with my sister’s friends
