Tongue Tied Tim

Do any of my friends remember when Pete tried to tip the stripper with quarters – Jacob’s strip tease to low rider and the other clowns doing a side show dance to Kung Foo Fighting and how even the stripper stopped to watch – or the last straw when Jewel’s swung around the stripper poll between sets – before we all got kicked out – all on that Christmas Eve at the strip club – Ahh, how I love the Winter family and friend’s reunions.

Don’t stick you thumb through your pants zipper and take a cell phone picture then send it to a girl as a harmless joke. Especially if that girl has a poor quality vewing screen on her cell phone. Her reply: “NOT appropriate!, WTF! although I am pleasantly surprised how big it is.” Me: “You do know that was my thumb right?” Her: “oh thank god, I did think it looked a bit pathetic but didn’t want to hurt your feelings” Me: “Haa! Fact: girls do lie about a guys size. I knew it!” Her: “Please don’t text me anymore.”

I was headed back to my midget foot fetish porn after getting another gallon of vaseline from the bathroom but I dropped it when I was startled by my parent’s car pulling into the driveway; when I went to run for my room I slipped on the vaseline covered hallway and ice skated into the kitchen, tripped and fell through the doggie door and out into the yard. I ran around to the side of the house to jump through my bedroom window but I got chased by a stray dog the size of a horse and in an attempt to flew from it, I went to jump the fence but got “it” stuck in a knot hole, right as the neighbor was trimming his hedge row; thank god it was only an electric trimmer and the blades were dull. All in one jerking motion to free myself, I tore the entire plank off the fence and found myself running down the street with my dick through a fence plank, not able to see where i was going, covered in vaseline and being chased by a dog. I finally ended up stuck in the sticker bushes next to the middle school. I passed out from exhaustion and or pain, I can’t remember. I woke up in the police station charged with being a sexual predator; with splinters and scratches all over and a lot of explaining to do.

It would suck to be “that guy”

Today I did my laundry all by myself; I even separated like all you woman folk do; all my left socks went into one washer and all my right socks went into the other. The only clean clothes that I had left to wear while doing the wash were some cut off jeans shorts, and a t-shirt that said “I brake for boners” – What? – I thought it was a shirt about paleontologist. I passed on “bury your bone” because it made no sense to me since they dig bones up not bury them.

I’m in on a Saturday night, staring in the mirror practicing up on his new pick up speech, one line zingers and trying to reinvent and perfect the bend and snap – and – getting the sewing machine out to make my peacock feather display a bit more flashy. Why, you ask? – within the last 30 days I’ve heard this same commonly used phrase twice from two different girls, “Tim, I can’t [won't] sleep with you.” haha jokes on me – ahhh now I’m sad.

I go to the same Ralph’s grocery store all the time and I have a thing for this check out girl – well – woman – she has to be in her mid 40’s and a total cougar; but anyway, I decided to buy a few items to break the ice and start a conversation; all that I bought was a box of tissues and an oversized bottle of hand moisturizer – long story short – we’re going out tomorrow!

We all use a shared network here at work so I added a some files to my coworkers’ personal folders; the new folder is named ‘Your Quarterly Bonus’; inside contains one jpg; a jpg of a pile of poop; click on the folder and it automatically opens up. in your face bitches.

Update: Today my CEO and Content Manager came across my little joke today; shit has hit the fan. They don’t know who did it but it’s only a matter of time until they trace it back to me. I regret nothing, it was funny.

If you ever get out of here; go to that place I talked about; the 7-11 at the edge of town; it’s far so take a bus and a sack lunch; go to the end of the beer isle and look for a beer can that looks like no other; under that can is a box of Girl Scout Cookies; you may need a butter knife to pry up the sticky box; take that box and remember the town I talked about…Barstow; where the sun sits highest by the cactus shaped like a wang; that’s where I’ll be; I’ve always want to buy a beat up little motel; I’ll fix up that Motel 6 and manage it; I’ll always need an assistant manager to help out. don’t forget Barstow Cali-For-ni-a.

I picked up a valet gig up in the hills tonight; one lady rolls down her window and says all i have is $2.00 – I say “we only deal in eighths sorry”; total cougar; turns out she works for a staffing agency and she gives us a few business cards – I tell her “so I’ll call you sometime and we can talk about giving me a job”; I think she got it; it was dark but I think she blushed? MLIA

My work was having a charity hot dog/chips/soda lunch for some children group. Since i’m not allowed around kids anymore, I’m glad I could still help. dogs were only .50 so I asked the HR girl working it for the DP; duhh two hot dogs; good thing she didn’t get it; conflict avoided; job saved.